How Not To Be A B*tch

As a lady, thou shan’t ever speak above a whisper, lest your male counterparts be shocked by the stinging pain of your feminine soundwaves. Express yourself, good woman, in other ways like interpretive dance, mime and mother-daughter window-washing, the preferred communication of “good girls” everywhere. If you must speak to a man, make sure to do it over the television or vacuum cleaner.

Never express strong opinions or any opinion that doesn’t sound like a version of the Tim Allen grunt from Home Improvement. If you have to say what you are thinking, make sure to poll everyone else in the room first. It’s best that all female opinions are focus-groupped first in order to best please everyone. You should also make sure to check-in with random people on the internet about what they think about your opinion, hair, body politics and life choices. Also, check your teeth before you say anything? Are they too horse-like? Then it’s best not to talk. Invest your time acquiring lockjaw instead. Next time you see a rusty nail, step on it. Hard. Problem solved!

Don’t ask for anything in the bedroom, but also, don’t too much. Don’t give him “too many blowjobs” or you might also be a “needy, psycho b*tch” who is trying too hard. It sounds like a Catch-22, but it’s all part of a woman’s burden. If it confuses you, don’t question or become angry — because anger is unflattering. Work your feelings out with needlepoint or croquet instead.

Never look at anyone the wrong way. Look at the ground. Look into the bathroom sink. But don’t look at math problems or into a book. There are ideas in there.

When a random stranger whistles at you or makes his unwanted sexual advances known while you are walking to work, do not speak back to him or look him in the eye. Thank him for his witty contribution to your morning (“Do I want fries with that shake?” Classic!) and commend him for his lofty impact upon the world. Commend him with a medal you keep on hand to reward men who harass you. They deserve recognition.

Consult men about their preferred body type. Yet because men have differing opinions about what a “real woman” is, you should try out different things. Eat all the time, CONSTANTLY, one month, only to find out your curves aren’t appropriate, and then lose all the weight the next month and get called out for being too thin. Thus, you need to clone yourself or get a hologram to be the other body type you’re supposed to be while also being whatever body type you are. Then your body can always be “real.” All this time you haven’t been a “real woman.” You’ve been a Cylon. Who knew?

Don’t be a person with emotional needs or wants and complex feelings. Don’t allow yourself have days where you feel happy or sad or worried or confused or lost or broken or jaded or unhappy with the state of your life — because you must be PMS-ing. This is why women cannot be president. Hormones + missiles, y’know.

Go to the computer and google pictures of the word smile. Print out the widest one and staple it to your face, so you’re always the perfect image of success. Be as much like Annette Bening in American Beauty as possible. Repeat, “I will sell myself today. I will sell myself today.”

Always be interested in what men are, because that’s what cool girls do. However, don’t know more about this thing, only enough to complement the man’s intellect and laugh at his jokes, if he makes an in-reference to something. LAUGH. ALWAYS LAUGH. LAUGH LOUDER! Now stop. Don’t laugh too much. Wrinkles.

Never question when a man comes home late or doesn’t call/text you. Assume he is out with his friends Bo and Skip volunteering at the local VA or organizing a blood drive. If he misses your birthday, except that he has a good reason for it, You must always trust the man. They understand things, like plumbing, Adam Carolla jokes and Exalted Man Stuff. Be patient and this esteemed knowledge may come to you someday.

Don’t be anyone’s boss ever. Women are not meant for positions of power or authority. They are designed to serve, not to lead. Thus, it’s best that women never walk ahead of anyone, don’t think of anything first (if so, assist a man in coming to the same conclusion so you don’t have to speak) and don’t have an innovative idea that shakes things up. We like innovation when it’s a man, but for a woman, shaking is unladylike. Don’t make a shake. Don’t even Harlem Shake. NO SHAKING, WOMEN.

Dress like Harrison Bergeron. Attach a radio to your head so you cannot form coherent thoughts, wear a funny nose and strap a 300-pound stove on your back, on which you can still make a proper meal. However, you must also be sexy, but not too sexy, lest you become a “b*tch slut,” the most heinous of all phrases.

Never complain, use blue language, say anything bad about anyone ever, try to win an argument, try to win at anything, feel that you are right, stand your ground, expect your emotions and opinions to be validated, respect yourself, ask someone to see things from your point of view or even remind people that you have a perspective. It’s best to continually allow yourself to be disrespected, marginalized, patronized and interrupted. It’s fine; you didn’t plan on finishing that sentence anyway. They can have the other half of it.

Don’t hold a pen threateningly, because one never knows what you’ll do with that thing, and don’t write on the internet, ever. Not on someone’s Facebook or Twitter. Maybe Instagram or Tumblr, where it’s just mostly pictures anyway. However, be careful that your Mean Girls gifs don’t have messages in there. You never know what women will do with those. If you have to write, make sure to apologize for your opinion and minimize it to make it palatable for public consumption. If you can, write in kittens instead. Everyone loves kittens.

Also, don’t comment in this comment board, which attaches “likes” to your statement. Women must never compete, and we must not remind women that there are any more than one of them at a time, strategically placed between James Franco, Seth Rogen and Seth Rogen’s bong. If more than one woman has organized together, denounce this revolution. DO NOT LET THE B*TCHES RISE. One day, the b*tches will rise. Arm thyself. Be prepared. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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