1. Look at my bank account. I don’t even want to have to acknowledge the fact that it exists ever and live in a world where I can pretend that my money falls from the sky.
2. Pay back my student loans. My current plan is to just keep going to school forever, like my aunt, so I just never have to pay it back. I’m going to be like James Franco and just get seventeen PhDs.
3. Buy groceries. Am I the only person who irrationally hates going to the grocery store? It doesn’t make any sense — because the store is where the food lives, and I want to eat the food. Like Ryan Gosling, I want it inside me. I’ve thought about being one of those people who orders their groceries from a website, but those are for shut-ins, rich college students and people with overly busy schedules. I’m just neurotic. They don’t have a service for that.
4. Break up with people. I wish I had a breakup surrogate, so I could just stand next to someone while they explain the real reasons for our break up and give them the brutal honesty I can’t muster. No, it’s not me, it’s you. No, I didn’t like that thing you did in bed. No, it’s not cool if we stay inside and watch you play video games instead of going out. No, Taco Bell was not sexy. Next time, I’m just going to hand them a letter and run.
5. Get a drivers’ license. Yes, I technically know how to drive. I’m just bad at it. And that’s one of the best things about living in a big city: Knowing that the public transit system enables your total inability to handle traffic. I look like a Golden Girl behind the drivers’ wheel.
6. Shave. It’s fine in the winter, because no one has to see my body and I can cover it with layers of coats, but the summer is the worst. My body turns into ingrown hair city, as if my skin naturally resists the touch of a razor. I’d go naturel, but I’m one of those people that’s cursed with weird body hair patterns. I look like an Ewok that survived a fire.
7. Fold my laundry. In more irrational things, I don’t mind doing my laundry, but I hate folding it, which might be the world’s most boring chore. I love dishes because you can put on great dishes music and shake your booty to Missy Elliott while you clean. There is no shaking when you’re folding. There are only boredom tears, and you can’t dance to that.
8. Charge my phone. My phone has this magical ability to always die or be dying when I need it most or do that fun thing where it charges all night and then DIES ANYWAY. I just want my phone to run on infinite amounts of rainbows, smiles and solar power so I can use it and be happy.
9. Drink Grapefruit Juice or Prune Juice. My grandma tells me they’re good for you, but I don’t think the health benefit is worth how disgusting they are. Can’t I just drink a Diet Coke and call it a day? It’s Diet! Good for you, right? I really wish that were right.
10. Go outside in the cold. I just want to live in a little plastic bubble that takes me everywhere, so I don’t have to know what the words “below zero” even mean.
11. Floss. According the Mayo Clinic, flossing every day adds three years onto your life, but it also makes my gums bleed like a motherfucker — because I have the world’s most sensitive gums. If you even look at them wrong or say something not nice about them, they will bleed. Can’t other things add three years onto my life instead, like binge eating or masturbating? If so, I’d live forever — like on Fame.
12. Clean the bathroom. I think it might be the world’s most disgusting chore, only because my roommates and I somehow produce an enormous amount of body hair. Also, no matter how often you clean the floor, it will somehow just end up looking like crap again two days later. It’s a no-win situation.
13. Go to the doctor. It’s not the needles thing. It’s the sitting in a robe in a creepy room while a strange man touches you with cold instruments thing. When I go to the doctor, I flashblack to almost every episode of Law and Order: SVU I’ve ever seen. Can’t you just go to the doctor on WebMD? Or would you just always find out you’re dying?
14. Try to locate my keys. I don’t know how it’s possible that I lose my keys as often as I do, and it usually makes me think I’m developing early onset dementia or Alzheimers’. I’ve actually searched both of these entries on WebMD to find out. This is why I’m not longer allowed to go on WebMD.
15. Invite people to events on Facebook. Can’t Mark Zuckerberg come up with a simpler way to tell people you’re having a birthday party, rather than clicking every single one of your “close friends” one by one? Letting people know you’re turning a year older shouldn’t take a goddamn hour. I miss the days of paper invitations, when you just brought a stack of announcements to Homeroom and hoped for the best.
16. Wake up before 8:00. My brain doesn’t really function properly before noon, and I’m blessed with being neither a morning person nor a night owl. I’m an afternoon person, which is generally the only time I like to have sex, otherwise I’ll just want to go to sleep. Whoever invented morning sex didn’t understand that you DON’T WAKE ME UP BEFORE MY ALARM GOES OFF. The sexiest thing you can do is just not touch me. Just let me rest in peace.