1. You know all that candy that was allegedly “for someone else” or “supposed to be shared” with “another person?” You get to eat all of it. And then the day after Valentine’s Day, all that candy goes on sale. So you get even more candy.
2. You don’t have to go to the gym that day. Valentine’s Day at the gym is always annoying, because you’re surrounded by a bunch of girls who all think they can somehow get fit by that evening. “I want to lose three pounds,” says everyone around you. At this point, the only way to do that is a colon cleanse or a chainsaw. Leave the gym alone.
3. Almost every place that isn’t a restaurant, café or a movie theatre is dead — because people can’t seem think of any other combination than dinner + movie on the V-Day. Are you one of those grad students or PhD people who can never find an open spot in the library? Valentine’s Day is your deliverance.
4. Singles’ Awareness Parties tend to be more fun than any Valentine’s date you’ll ever have. Valentine’s Day generally consists of a bunch of people pretending they can see each other in the low lighting (which they’ve used to cover up their stress blemishes) and claiming that they know whatever lightly twinkling jazz tune is playing in background. (They don’t.) You can either have this or you can dance to “Ignition (Remix)” with ten of your best friends, while you get drunk and lose your phone at least three times. My advice: Let it stay gone. Valentine’s Day is a magnet for drunk dials.
5. Cable channels tend to have choice marathons on or around Valentine’s Day. Did you ever feel the need to watch 13 Going on 30 sixty times in a row, possibly without sleeping? You’re in luck.
6. You don’t have to worry about looking good in your lingerie or the fact that you don’t have clean lingerie or that you’re don’t own lingerie. Unless an oversized Doctor Who< t-shirt counts as lingerie. Then you’re practically Victoria’s Secret.
7. Ordering take out. Because any delivery service will assume you are ordering for a date, you can order as much as you want. Pretend you’re in a triad and order half the menu. When you’re in a fake relationship for the sake of no food judgment, the sky is the limit. Dream big.
8. You can’t possibly get dumped on Valentine’s Day. Seriously, though, what is it with people and breaking up on the Hallmarkiest day of the year? You don’t pump someone full of that much sugar before you crush their Valentine dreams. That’s how you get a table flipped over on you. Don’t blame them. It’s the Twinkie Defense.
9. You have the option of staying in your sweats all evening and eating the entire contents of your refrigerator. You were going to do that anyway, but now you have an excuse for it.
10. Or: If you plan on going out, Valentines’ Day is one of the best hook-up nights of the year, like taking candy from a romantically depressed, drunken baby. Absolutely NO ONE wants to go home alone from the bar on V-Day (pejoratively known in bar culture as V.D. Day), and it’s like the movie Snow Day. Almost anything can happen on a Valentine’s Day. Note: This may also include you being passed out and throwing up in an alley. I said anything. Choose your own adventure, friend.
11. You get to be your own date. You get to take yourself home and have sex with yourself. You always know exactly how you like it, and you’ll know that your partner is way into consent, which is the sexiest of all Valentines’ words. You get to have pizza and cheesy bread during sex if you want. Because tonight, it’s all about you.