Pondering Richard Mourdock’s rape is “something God intended” gaffe, I thought back to the numerous statements from Mike Huckabee, Todd Akin and Paul Ryan on rape, sexual assault and abortion made over the last few months. At first, I wanted to just ban all Republicans from saying “abortion” and “rape” or anything that even rhymes with them, but I can’t do that to the crepe industry. It’s not fair. However, it did get me thinking about that SNL skit from a few weeks back, in which Nasim Pedrad’s Arianna Huffington imagined a world in which men could get pregnant. With fake Arianna Huffington and Mourdock in mind, I decided to add my own ideas to the mix.
1. Abortions would be shot out of cannons like t-shirts at baseball games.
2. Sam’s Club and Costco would sell abortions in bulk, so you could save up for a rainy day. That way, in a couple months when things are slow at your serving job, you still have all these abortions lying around. Thanks, Walton family!
3. Also, liquor stores would retail abortions in eight-packs, twelve-packs and twenty-four packs, for when you just want to get hammered and have a shit-ton of abortions right in a row. You could shotgun an abortion right outside of the store, if you really wanted to. This will, of course, depend on your state’s laws about consuming an abortion in public.
4. Abortions would get major corporate sponsorship and endorsement deals, and you’d have Tiger Woods trying to sell you Abortions by Nike, Ashton Kutcher giving new meaning to What Happens In Vegas for GE, and Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “Hasta La Vista, Baby” on behalf of Hummer. The commercials would have a soundtrack by the Bay City Rollers, choruses of dancing girls and Ah-nold running slowly away from explosions. Michael Bay would direct them, David Beckham would find a way to have a fragrance tie-in and the Brad Pitt Chanel commercial could finally make sense.
5. You would be able to get abortions from vending machines, meaning that Disneyland would have the world’s most expensive abortions. (FYI, Walt, there’s no reason Coke should cost $8, unless I’m Charlie Sheen and there’s still actual cocaine in there.)
6. Abortion clinics would be like Apple stores on the first day the new iPhone or iPad comes out. Remember the movie Jingle All the Way, where Ah-nold goes Terminator on some soccer moms to get his hands a Turbo-Man action figure? It would be like that, except that Turbo-Man would not be an action figure.
7. Supermarkets and souvenir shops would sell giant trays and racks of abortions right at the front register, so you don’t miss them on your way out. You could choose between the minty kind of abortion, the ones with the caramel in the middle or go the new pretzel kind, if you’re into that salty and sweet thing.
8. You could clip out coupons for abortions from your local magazines and newspapers, and TLC would have a show called Extreme Abortion Couponing, where a bunch of frazzled men frantically try to clip as quickly as possible. In this reality, abortions would be like Pokemon: you gotta catch ‘em all.
9. Stores across America would advertise abortion close out sales, in which all abortions must go! You can get abortions for ludicrous discounts, rollbacks and fire sales, and Abortions R’ Us will promise “abortions up to 2 gazillion percent off!” Or they’ll throw in perks like giving you a free scooter, off-brand MP3 player or Nickelback CD. If you get ten abortions, you get a free Kindle Fire or Nook, because they have to find some way to get rid of those damn things.
10. Hotels would give you a complimentary abortion under your pillow, and a television channel designed to help you find the best clinics in town while you’re on vacation. Because almost every town would have an “abortion strip” or an “abortion district,” where all of the local centers concentrate, it’s important to find the one most suited to your needs. My advice: always go for the one with a spa and a sauna in it or that’s a combination Abortion Hut and Taco Bell. Never use the drive-thru.
11. For those looking for abortions in their city, your iPhone or Android would have apps that would help you find the best-rated clinic at a convenient distance. There would be a Yelp for abortions, a Grub Hub for abortions (if you want to order from home) and even a Grindr-type app that allows you to look for clinics in your area desperately seeking action now. There’s a clinic 15 feet away!
12. The grand prizes in The Price Is Right would include a lifetime of free abortions or a Sharper Edge at-home abortion machine, complete with a fully furnished den by Ashley Furniture. Men would be playing “Stack the Deck,” “That’s Too Much!” and “Plinko” just to have an outside chance at getting to the elusive Winner’s Circle. And the show will make sure that non-winners will still go home with a Kenmore washer and dryer or a new car!
13. In this alternate reality, a talk show host by the name of “Broprah” would leave free abortions under the chairs of his guests. He would have an “Abortion of the Month” club and during sweeps week, Broprah will exclaim to his audience, “You get an abortion! And you get an abortion! And you get an abortion! We all get abortions!”
14. SpikeTV programming would include shows like “Abortion Master,” about the world’s wackiest abortion clinic; “1000 Ways to Get an Abortion;” “World’s Worst Abortions;” and “The Abortion Games,” where men compete in post-apocalyptic games of sport and chance to get an abortion. Entourage could probably just air as is.
15. You could get a quick and easy abortion on a transatlantic flight, and even some of those puddle jumper airlines would be willing to accommodate. Southwest Airlines would be even more popular and would be credited for its “outstanding abortion customer service.” Delta would give you a vast selection of in-flight movies to watch while you have your abortion, including The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, What to Expect When You’re (No Longer) Expecting, New Years’ Eve and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, a movie that might make you want to have another abortion. Just in case.