1. Getting Meryl Streep a third Oscar.
For this, we might have to do some thinking outside of the box, because if she can’t win another Oscar for playing a beloved chef or a British royal with Alzheimers, then another Best Actress award is never going to happen. Thus, we should create other Oscars she should win like: Best Person, Best Overshadowing Every Other Person on the Planet, Best Cookies, Best Shawl, Best Cataracts and Best Attempt to Remember Tilda Swinton’s name.
If the old white dudes of the Academy are not down with that, we can sneak her into other categories. She got nominated at the Golden Globes for Mamma Mia! and It’s Complicated for christsakes; that means she can do anything. Streep could easily throw together the costumes for W.E. and Hugo. She’ll just whip them up in no time, no big deal. She probably just had all of them lying around already.
2. Making Skrillex into a font.
I really don’t know why it isn’t already — because that’s what I thought it was the first time I heard that word. I’m still not even sure what Skrillex means. Is it a torture device for your former significant others? I see at as making for an excellent typeface, as I’ve felt that Helvetica has needed some competition for some time. It’s getting too cocky.
3. Legalizing dog weddings.
People always say that gay marriage will lead to people being able to get married to all kinds of things, like their vibrators, cars, pets or — if you are Sarah Palin — yourself. Although I would love to get married to coffee (if it would have me, ‘cause it probably gets a lot of offers), I am not interested in marrying the family cat. He’s a total jerk and a terrible kisser.
However, I want to live in a world where dogs can marry each other, because in the Era of the Puppy Bowl, dog cuteness is what the world needs more of. Cats may rule the internet, but the cuteness of dog weddings could solve all the world’s problems. If you are skeptical, imagine: the first hind-legged dance, the fetching of the bouquet, the moment where the priest tells the happy couple that they may now sniff each other’s butts. Still not convinced? Look at this picture. Even Chris Christie wouldn’t have the heart to veto this lovin’.
If I were crowned president, Miss America or manager of the local Dairy Queen, I would pursue a pro-cuddling, pro-hugs, pro-kindness agenda. I would also abolish homework, but only so I can get time to actually finish Jonathan Frazen’s Freedom. (Which I will need a very long cuddle after.)
5. Outlawing Jeremy Lin puns.
If you have to ask whether your Jeremy Lin joke is racist, it’s probably racist.
6. Enforcing segregation.
No, I am not talking about segregation of “the races,” Jumpy To McConclusionsson. I would like to take all of the douches, jerks, racists and people who think that Bluetooths are an acceptable form of communication and relocate them to an island somewhere, and I will not invite Mark Burnett to put them on television. While they think about what they’ve done, they can reenact Lord of the Flies, drink their own urine, channel their emotions into making s’mores out of squirrels and figure out what the ending of Lost was even about. The world, and the Jersey shore, will be better off.
7. Finding out what Pinterest is.
I don’t know. Do you know? Is it a competition to see who likes the oeuvre of Harold Pinter the most? If so, Michael Caine would definitely win. I’m fine with that. He deserves it.
8. Making Rachel Maddow fall in love with me.
Look, I know it can’t work. We’re not really into the same things sexually, and she’s cool and famous and, like, we don’t “technically” know each other. However, I feel like — if she only met me — she would be able to love me, despite the genitalia I happened to be born with. We could drink wine together, listen to Sleater-Kinney, watch Portlandia and figure out what Bill O’Reilly’s deal is. She could show me where she gets such wonderful, jawline-accentuating haircuts, teach me how to wear suit jackets and explain to me how she can yell at someone while still being endearing. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
Rachie, this could be the beginning of a beautiful romance, the Greatest Relationship Ever Known; all you have to do is jump. We can beat the odds.