10 Stages Of Liking Someone When You’re The Type Of Person Who Builds Up Walls
27 and single. I don’t scramble to find a plus one when I see a wedding invitation. I don’t worry what my family will say when I don’t bring someone to Christmas dinner. I try not to make a habit of becoming too close. To say I have become used to being just me is an understatement. Every once in a while, though, there comes a time when I meet someone and the unthinkable happens — I start to let down those walls I have so proudly built up. This is what you do to me.
- Annoying. I become that girl. I don’t stop talking about you and finding different ways to bring you up in conversation. That time you told me I was weird, but you like weird. My friends heard allllll about it. I hung on your every word.
- Admittance. I start to tell you things about me that no one else knows. Like how I am scared of you. How when I see you or talk to you, it scares me knowing at any point it can go away. You remind me that you are right there, right in front of me. “This is good, don’t worry,” you tell me. I don’t say what I really want to. Please don’t hurt me. You have that power.
- Denial. So what if I haven’t heard from you today? I have never been that girl who WANTS to hear from you. I like being me. It’s easier… That’s what I tell everyone. You told me you couldn’t talk right now. But you also said spending time with me is priceless. Trust that. When I see you, it will all be right again.
- Weepy. It’s been a week. I haven’t seen you. The line in the sand has been drawn. I cry. I want to reach out to you. Weighing my options, what would hurt more: you not reaching out or you not responding? I cry.
- Questioning. What changed? Is it my looks, my personality? Wait. Weren’t you the one who told me you couldn’t see why someone hasn’t swept me off my feet? Was it because I told you I was having a bad day, and your text made me laugh? I told you I want to see you more, was that wrong?
- Self-loathing. Who have I become? Why am I letting someone make me question who I am? I hate myself for giving you that power. I hate me for being hurt by you. I’m not a Beyoncé song, I’m a Taylor Swift ballad. More than mad at you, I’m mad at me for allowing you to have that impact.
- Angry at you. I am a catch! How dare you not see that I am more than you deserve? I want you to be hurt like I am. I plot in my head ways to make this happen.
- Realization. That will do nothing but make me look crazy. I will not do anything.
- I’m irrationally happy around you. Laughing too hard at a stupid joke. Smiling extra at the guy talking to me, acting like this is the best conversation I have ever had. I touch his arm when I talk. I flip my hair, the long hair you used to play with. All this runs through my head when you are around.
- Build those walls back. You mean nothing to me. You will forever be another passing guy. I smile at you, because I smile at everyone. I hope to never bring up those nights we sat talking about everything and nothing for hours. Those conversations to me now seem void of any meaning and I know you did not know me. You barely scratched the surface, and that is the way it will stay.
I build walls to keep myself sane. I refuse to be someone who settles for less than what they truly deserve. On paper they were always perfect for me. It’s when I started to look deeper I saw there were always big signs telling me to run. Maybe one day someone will be strong enough to knock down those walls for good. Until then, I rest easy in knowing that in the long run, walls are what keeps me happy and independent in a world of people who are settling.