10 Surefire Ways To Get Laid On The First Date

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1. Smile

The first thing your date will notice about you is your smile. If you seem disingenuous or creepy, it could set the wrong tone for the entire date. If you don’t break eye contact, or don’t give enough of it, you might come off as insincere. Even if your only intentions are getting in your date’s pants, smile when they’re talking about settling down and having a family. There is, after all, one crucial step in making a family that you are interesting in helping out with.

2. Frown

The second thing your date will notice about you is your frown. When the waitress is discussing the specials, frown at the options you find disgusting. If you seem at all pleased or excited, it could set the wrong tone for the rest of the date. If your frown doesn’t involve your bottom lip curling entirely below itself revealing the maximum amount of inner lip, your partner will barely know if you are frowning or smiling. Frowning makes you the bad boy or girl of the dinner table. Your date is going to want to take you home and punish you in bed for making a scene.

3. Ask If They Make Their Own Dressing

After that dumbass waitress is done talking about the specials, ask them about the salads. Specifically, ask about the dressing: is it homemade? If the waitress says yes, you say great and order a salad for an appetizer. It’s light, it’s fun, and you’re sharing food. If they say no, order the salad, but ask for it undressed. The waitress will have no idea what that means, so keep on repeating “undress the salad” until your date is undressed in your bed, tossing your salad.

4. Turn that frown upside down

At this point your date knows that you smiled when you met, then frowned when the waitress mentioned the specials. This shows that they should not be expecting anything special during the dinner portion of the date, but you are interested in them. If you frowned correctly, they might think you’re in a bad mood and try to cheer you up with some hand action under the table. What you’re going to want to do is grab their hand under the table, guide it, and smile. You don’t need to use the butter as lube, but it’s there for a reason. You like your date, you hate the specials.

5. Take them to frown town

We all love a bit of buttery under the table hand action, but come on. Hand stuff? What are you, 8? Frown so hard that they can literally feel the tension in the room. Take control of the date.

6. Be a Woman

Turns out guys are generally willing to bang on the first date. It’s up to you, but make sure he knows how to use that butter.

7. A smile can go for miles

A polite smile when you receive your food, or when management tells you to put your pants back on, can make all the difference. Another key to the smile is to make eye contact for as long as you can without blinking. A fun and flirty staring contest with the couple at the next table will surely pique your date’s interest, and maybe even scare off the other couple to another section of the restaurant.

8. Dine and Dash

What are you going to do, use money to pay for your food? Banks already run this country as it is, using money just strengthens their grip on the economy. Millions of years ago, men were hunters and women were gatherers. They traveled from place to place, eating whatever they pleased without playing for it. It is how the earth was populated, if you catch my drift. Tapping into this primal instinct will release pheromones that will basically force the two of you to bang. Immediately.

9. Put on the Frown Crown

You just dined and dashed, and now you are on your way back to your place. While what you did was steamy, sexy, and delicious, your date might be second guessing things on the walk back. What you have to do is put on a frown, and express regret for what you just did. You want tears, a lot of them. We are all looking for a partner who can go from terrifyingly primal in one second to charmingly domesticated in the next. No one is looking for stability in a partner, they are looking for high peaks and lower valleys. This is your opportunity to establish yourself as an unpredictable frown crown wearing frown clown from, as you know, Frown Town.

10. Download Tinder

So everything didn’t go down the way you expected to. Your date called an Uber in the middle of a frowning episode. This happens, but there is still time to get laid with someone on Tinder and call the date a success on a technicality. I don’t want to give away too much life advice in one article, but I’ll start with step one: You MUST be smiling in your Tinder profile picture. People want someone who is happy about being single, greased over by butter, and taking a selfie with a waitress who, as it turns out, wasn’t giving you signals earlier in the night. TC mark

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