The Second Love You Search For Will Always Be Harder To Find

Shutterstock / Cigmusic15
Shutterstock / Cigmusic15

I’ll be fruitfully honest (wow a guy being honest, crazy right), but I was in love once, for sure, definitely. She was a Texan, I am English, but it worked, really well, but I pushed her away, and regret it. We had been dating for a year, I remember the first time I saw her, I was taken aback about how beautiful she was, blonde hair, great smile, and just oozed fun.

I asked a mutual friend to set up a meeting between us, and thankfully she agreed, she was nervous and hardly said a word for the first hour, but once she did, I knew she was the ‘one’ 

“I hope we aren’t cock-blocking” she said, as we walked through Walmart (that was the end of the date and we were with friends before you get any ideas) because the two friends we were with, had also been talking.

I burst out laughing, the cute, quiet Texan girl had spoken her mind and it just cracked me up. 

We went on various dates after that, and over the Christmas break I asked her out, officially, many thought we rushed it, and maybe we did, but I knew we would be good, and she agreed. For that year or so we were best friends, I was happy when I was with her, we laughed (a lot) and I will happily admit it was those months that were the best times of my life. When I was at parties she was the one I was texting, when I passed out once she comforted me, she was like the girl best mate who held her friends hair back whilst she threw up (but she patted my back).

We treated each other great, I hope she would admit that too (we don’t talk much now). 

Anyway, I started to have a lot of stress (with soccer, school and the fact we were moving schools), because I was at a junior college, and we had to leave after two years. All this got to me and I thought that the best solution was to let her go, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her anymore, because I did, I just felt at the time that us breaking up would solve it, I’d feel better, less stressed and get to experience college more.

Awful decision. One I will regret the rest of my life. I know people say you should not regret decisions made in life, but I disagree, some you just have to accept, you regret it, but we can’t go back in time, unfortunately. 

Anyway trying to find that sort of relationship again has been one of the hardest searches, the problem I have is comparing them with her, the one. Maybe I just miss the memories, the fun, the happiness, and not just her, but that’s the biggest problem, comparisons.

This is why the search for love a second time is tough, tougher for people who have had their heart broken, but tough none-the-less. I don’t want to settle for the ‘good-enough,’ I want the best friend, the girl who I want to be around all the time, who I want to share memories and experiences with, not just a girl who I like, or who is the best of the bunch, or the just-about.

I’m still searching for the new ‘her’ and maybe I’ll never find her, but I’ll never regret being in love, that’s for sure! Those are the best times, the happiest, and something we shouldn’t be scared of (or scared to admit) 

The search goes on, and guys and girls, Tinder is not the solution (well it hasn’t been for me haha) I wish her all the best in the future, and will never forget those days, and wish me luck! Life goes on! Love hard, live much, and be happy! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

For more raw, powerful writing follow Heart Catalog here.

Currently a senior at Clayton State in Georgia. My posts are about life experiences and are usually full of humor, which reflects my personality.

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