1. The girl with the good initial picture.
Have you ever done that Tinder thing when you just judge by the first picture—“no” swipe left, “oh not bad” swipe right—without checking the other pictures? Of course you have, because you are human. Well, there are always those girls who have an amazingly good first picture, so you swipe right, and you see that “Congratulations, you have a new match.” A rush of excitement and anxiousness floods the body. Then you quickly realize that the first picture was an act of deception. The next four pictures teach you to be more thorough with your next search. This girl really knows how to use the filters, the lights, and the angles. This girl is not the girl of your dreams, she’s just a plain old trickster. Well-played, though, ma’am, well-played.
2. The cougar.
She’s over 35, she’s experienced, and she’s settled in life—sugar, she might even be your friend’s mum. The cougar pops up on Tinder once in a while. It’s like coming across an actual cougar in the wild—you have to treat her with caution, otherwise she will run away or tear you apart. She knows what she wants, and usually it’s a Boy Toy. That might be great for some of us, but is it worth it? She probably has kids and she definitely doesn’t play Call of Duty and drink every weekend, so what the hell will we talk about? Ah, who cares, right? She’s a COUGAR!
3. The girl who’s proud to have children.
I’m not saying that having children is bad. I’m happy for you and you rock, but that’s not what we are looking for. I can just about manage looking after myself; I can’t imagine dealing with a child. Don’t let that get you down, though, ladies—I’m sure there are some guys trying to be a baby daddy, and I understand—you’ve got to try something!
4. The girl who is “just visiting” the area.
She’s on Tinder in your area, BUT she’s only here for an hour. “I’m visiting a friend” or “just passing through”—what’s the point then? Are we going to talk about the hour you had in my city? It’s even worse when there is no hope of her returning (this happens a lot when you live near a major airport, I’ve found).
5. The girl-bot from another dating website.
This isn’t actually a girl, it’s some program from some other “hook-up” website. “She” draws you in with a normal conversation starter, or expressing “her” problems with the current crop of Tinder guys, but then it hits. You haven’t replied but she sends you another message, leading you on: “I’m tired of talking to guys on here…” BOOOOM! You know what’s coming, yes, here it is, “So follow me on this website blahblahblah.com and see the pics I didn’t want anyone else to see.” DAMMIT, go away you devilish vixen you, UNMATCH, and with that goes all faith in the ridiculously pretty girls.
6. The electronic dance music queen.
She’s been to Tomorrowland, Tomorrowworld, EDM world, EDM land, I don’t know, but she’s been to them all, and she has the picture proof. She’s not here for dating—she’s on Tinder purely to brag about this and also to find some new friends to “rave” with. Her pictures usually resemble her dressed up as some animal, most commonly a rabbit or a cat, but with 80% of skin on show (we don’t mind that). She also has various colored dots painted on her face and may even come with a glow-stick. She’s a raver and a misbehaver, but she isn’t going to be a dater.
7. The girl who’s just trying to find some weed.
She doesn’t want you, she wants your hook-ups and I don’t mean the Tinder hook-up, I mean the Pineapple Express type of hook-up. She wants you to smoke her up. She usually gets straight to the point, and if you come up with the goods you might well get something in return, but it won’t be long-term happiness. She was a stoner girl, she said no to that boner girl, she wasn’t good enough for him. (That’s what I imagine Avril Lavigne would sing about the whole situation.)
8. The girl who’s on Tinder because her friends made her.
She’s the girl who can’t believe she’s on Tinder—well, she can, but she won’t admit it. “OMG my friends made me do it, they said it would be fun”—she knows full well she could have said no. This can go either way, she may be really cool, hold a good conversation, and be a lot of fun, or she could be quiet, disinterested, and about as fun as a dental exam. You’ll just have to play the Tinder lottery and hope for the best. Good luck, fellow comrade, good luck.
9. The girl who is too good to be true.
She looks like a model, her bio is filled with interesting information, and she sounds like the ideal woman. She can’t be real, can she? No, no she can’t. You find out in one of various ways. One way you find out is because you add her on social media, Facebook being the prime example, and she has 6 or 7 pictures, and you can tell they are all from Google, that and she has 10 friends. She seemed to be the best woman on Earth but only has 10 friends—is she a spy? Does she delete everyone she doesn’t talk to in the week? Another way you find out is because she suddenly drops a slice of knowledge that only one of your close friends would know: “You already have a Pikachu card.” Wait, how do you know that? Dave got me that—wait—Dave, is that you??? BUSTED, it was your friends all along. The final way, and this is scary, is the CATFISH, you agree to meet up, you’ve done the right thing by suggesting a Starbucks (girls love Starbucks right) so you can see if this girl is real. She’s not, she’s a middle-aged woman who’s been pretending. You run like the wind, like Forrest Gump, and she’s left all alone to prey on her next victim. Catfish, Catfish, does whatever a Catfish does, she pretends to be another girl, because she’s someone that no one loves. (Yes, that was my song.)
10. The unicorn.
She’s a unicorn because she is the perfect girl, you’ve found her, she’s the one, she’s real, and you’ve made sure of it. You don’t know what to do. You don’t want to let her escape back into the Tinderness, but how can you prevent it? “I love you…” Dammit, you’ve blown it, that’s it, she’s gone. She majestically rides back into the forest of lost dreams and hope that is Tinder. There is hope though, for the guys who manage to hold their composure, talk to the girl and take her out, she’s a dime, a star and things go well and maybe a success story brews, marriage, kids, happily ever after. Who knows? What we do know is that Tinder will always be there for us when we are down.