‘Are Human Hearts Gluten Free?’ And 12 Other Thoughts We Had During The Finale Of ‘AHS: Apocalypse’

Well, We’re finally there, the end of the end of the world. And, in true Murphy-Falchuck fashion, we were all left with more questions than answers—Ryan Murphy might actually be the antichrist irl.

“Purple is for royalty, dear, not middle management.”

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You’ve got to hand it to Myrtle — she’s savage, even in the face of the apocalypse.

So, we finally find out how Mallory and Coco made it into the bunker—the first part of the episode explained Cordelia’s master plan, most of which we knew, though it was helpful to have a few remaining blanks filled: Myrtle hexes the tech bros with unfortunate haircuts into making space for them post-nuclear fallout. Next, Cordelia cast the infamous identity spell on the girls, wiping their minds of all magical memories. In order to keep Mallory’s powers suppressed, Coco’s new personality—modeled after Madison, naturally—was intended to demean her at every turn. The two actually shared a really sweet moment before undergoing their magical lobotomies, with Coco pre-apologizing for mistreating her. “Spell or no spell, I’d never let anything bad happen to you,” Mallory said. “If the world is going to end, at least we’ll be together.”

Kudos to the writers for accurately depicting every interaction I’ve ever had with an Uber Driver.

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So, we’re brought back (forward?) to before the season premiere, and we get a long of exposition—packing in everything, including so many clips from the last nine episodes you’d have to be forgiven for thinking an editor had been sleeping on the job and accidentally spliced the “previously on” in every five minutes.

Hold up—was Coco’s bf and hairdresser the two tech nerds, spelled by Myrtle so she could get into the outpost, Orrrrr are all these people separate characters? Since they want to use one person for 20 different characters I’m like:

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Seriously, someone tweet me.

Damn, they really just killed this boy’s mama again.

Time jump No. 2 brought us to Mallory and Michael’s fiery confrontation in Outpost 3, which apparently was the signal that woke Cordelia, Myrtle and Madison from their years-long dirt nap. I can’t help but feel like there were other options, as confirmed by Madison, the entire experienced “sucked ass.” By the time the trio arrived at Outpost 3, the survivors had already bobbed for apples, which we knew, setting the stage for Coco, Mallory and Dinah’s revivals—as well as the witches’ final showdown with Michael.

When Marie Laveau showed up:

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As expected, that traitorous Oprah-wannabe, Dinah, refused to fight by Cordelia’s side, claiming to always pick the winning team. Little did she know, Cordelia never intended to align herself with Dinah; through the magic of yet another flashback to Cordelia dipping down to Hell for a kiki with Nan, we learn that Cordelia promised to deliver Dinah’s soul on a platter to Papa Legba in exchange for the release of—you guessed it—the OG voodoo queen, Marie Laveau. The fact that Angela Bassett’s name appeared on screen prior to her arrival totally ruined the surprise, but it was still damn good to see Marie back in action. Though, the return of Angela Bassett was as welcome as it was wholly unnecessary—and pretty much summed up every aspect of the episode. Marie Laveau barely has time to glare at Michael before snacking on her heart. Langdon is just a sad theatre kween at heart.

Madison using the robot’s severed arm-gun to make bloody swiss cheese out of Michael’s torso:

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Madison had more character development in one season than most people have in their entire lives, and that’s the real tea. She went from “stone cold bitch” to knowingly sacrificing herself for her coven. WE STAN.

Coco out here on the frontlines, like:

We really hated Coco like that but we didn’t know!

P.S., Am I the only one who was waiting for Coco to tell Micheal how many calories were in Marie Devaus heart or if it was gluten-free?

When Cordelia’s death confirmed that Mallory was the next Supreme:

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The most powerful witch in all the world just stopped the apocalypse with a hit and run—cool.

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Okay, I wish I could totally hate this, but honestly, it was a pitch-perfect demise for forever-twink Michael Langdon, who finally got his own body wrecked as much as that thirst trap wrecked ours all season. Watching Mallory run him over not once, not twice, but three times, immediately proceeded by her smiling at his grandmother, who is relieved to finally be rid of another child, was insane in all the right ways.

“Do you have to kill every single living creature that crosses your path? Could you maybe just maim one?”

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Jessica Lange is really out here trying to get that guest spot Emmy.

Me, when y’all thought Ryan Murphy would write a clean ending for once:

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You’ve been here this long, don’t pretend like you’re going anywhere, because watching AHS is like being in a gang—that shit’s blood in blood out, homie.

With the Antichrist dead and the apocalypse thwarted, Mallory hightailed it to New Orleans, where she enrolled at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies. Zoe was still alive, working as a teacher, but because Cordelia never revived her to save the world, Myrtle was no longer among the living. Queenie was also still alive, and bragging to everyone about how she was flying to Los Angeles to see The Price is Right, though Mallory made sure to suggest alternative lodging—after all, the Hotel Cortez is nowhere near the studio. Nab brings Misty back because Ryan Murphy knew if he didn’t let us keep her in the land of the living there would be a Twitter revolt, but others weren’t as lucky. Madison, for all the work the writers did this season to redeem her, is still in Hell, and never learns any of the lessons that would make her a person worth saving. Also, as a byproduct all the people she helped end up right back where they started: Moira is never reunited with her mother, Violet and Tate fail to reconcile, and Daddy McDermott is still a tearjerker.

Ryan Murphy giveth, and Ryan Murphy taketh away.

So, that Young-Adult-Fiction-insufferable-teen-couple is back—K.

That’s when things got, let’s say, interesting. Through Mallory’s final inner monologue she questions the effects her actions could have on the future, cueing another time jump to 2020. Here, Emily and Timothy—yes, I had to google their names, because I blacked out all their previous scenes—met for the first time at a protest, presumably the one where alternate-timeline Emily was arrested. Anyway, they have boring ass meet cute and spawned a bouncing baby boy, who turned out to be—wait for it—the Antichrist. So, I guess they were in the bunker as insurance in case the antichrist with daddy issues failed at his task, and that “special gene” they both have is for making demons—like, okay? The season ended with Mead arriving at Timothy and Emily’s house, alongside the Black Pope, presumably with the cycle of darkness beginning again. Or, you know, for the first time.

Additional Thoughts & Predictions

I feel like Mallory should have just told Cordelia and co. that she is from the future, if not for nothing, they needed to make sure they safeguarded the future, which includes making sure Queenie does in fact not visit the Hotel Cortez—expecting her to change her travel plans after they’ve already been booked, because one random girl she just met told her there would be traffic is a STRETCH. Also, Mallory deciding to let Mallory sweat it out at Kohl’s in Hell (a redundant statement if there ever was on) for a while longer was some nonsense. The girl died for you! These Generation Z kids have no respect.

Seriously, this whole finale was a fuck you to the viewers, with a list of reasons why a mile long, with the most glaring being that Ryan Murphy severely underutilized Gabourey Sidibe and Emma Roberts, who stole every one of the few scenes they were in. This was criminal.

So, do we think next season is a continuation after all or was the last bit just a way to drive home the central theme of AHS: that people don’t change and circumstances never get better?

Neither here nor there, but Emma Roberts new movie about pizza and Canada is terrible. We need to crowdfund her and Sidibe an AHS spinoff pronto.