This week on American Horror Story: Apocalypse, we learned that big witch energy is reserved for women, and so they launched an episode-long-wink-wink-nudge-nudge examination of the patriarchy.
When this conversation was the opener to the episode:
Michael: “Perhaps you haven’t noticed the state of the world?”
Myrtle: “It’s almost as bad as your dinner jacket, but at least the world can be saved.”
And leads to the revelation that Landon was raised by warlocks.
Welcome to the Hawthorne School for Mansplainers and Hurt Feelings.
This episode turned the clock back a few years, when Outpost 3 was still an elite private school for young warlocks, and is where young Michael “Antichrist” Langdon had his dark gifts nurtured by a group of men who believed he was the answer to an unsettling prophecy.
Unsurprisingly, the warlocks are willing to serve the literal devil just to obtain supremacy over the much, MUCH stronger witches?
Talk about toxic masculinity.
Although both Myrtle Snow and the male coven refer to Langdon as a warlock, it’s pretty clear to even the most casual viewer that he is in fact the son of Satan. Cheyenne Jackson is the only one who seems to suspect this at first, but even he pushes these concerns aside once he realises that Langdon’s power could elevate his coven to new heights. Like, okay, wishful thinking.
And we discover that for Warlocks (men) to be considered the best, they only have to achieve three accomplishments, but for Witches (women) to be considered their equal, they have to attain seven.
When the Coven theme song started playing:
The info-heavy episode also took us back to Miss Robichaux’s Academy, where the ladies of Coven were less than thrilled to be summoned by the warlocks.
Except, all these school scenes make you remember that they never had a single magic class in Coven, because Cordelia was too busy trying to get her back blown out by her psycho husband.
When you realize that Mallory—aka Billie Lourd—really does come from a long line of witches:
Cordelia calling the Hotel Cortez “the Hellmouth,” thus proving why she’s The Supreme.
Yaaas, Kween, hit us with that Buffy reference!
When Cordelia apologized to Queenie for not being able to save her:
That’s right, friends—we’ve been so focused on the Coven and Murder House elements of this season, we didn’t even consider that we might also get some Hotel action (and they even slipped in a Freakshow aside). Despite Cordelia’s best efforts, it appeared that Queenie would be stuck with that mustachio’d lunatic who helped kill her for the rest of time.
But, then Michael came through and rescued her from the Hellmouth.
Speaking of Hell, Michael does a drive by to pick up Madison, who immediately asks her demon rescuer to hook up (the girl’s priorities have not changed).
Madison’s eternal prison is a Kohls-esque store with zero suitable lighting for selfies and no personal massagers in stock. The girls don’t waste any time getting back to their old selves, with Queenie remarking, “You’re a stone cold bitch and you’re exactly where you belong.” But because Michael’s master plan requires both of Cordelia’s fallen students, he returned to the land of the living with Madison and Queenie by his side, a sight that literally knocked Cordelia off her feet.
When it’s finally made clear that the apocalypse was caused by a bunch of men who felt hurt that they were inferior to women:
Thoughts and predictions:
What happened with Langdon’s horses? It’s just now I remembered that in episode one, Langdon rides up with another person on a pair of horses, which were looking sickly from being outside in the nuclear fallout. After Langdon went into Outpost 3, the other person shot the horses and seemingly offered them up to something living in the brush—a thing that managed to actually drag the horse corpse out of site with large, octopus like tentacles. So, uh, we just going to forget that happened?
Thank the Goddess the teen detectives weren’t here this episode, and if the preview for next week is any indication, they won’t be present then either. It’s doubtful we’re actually rid of them for good, but at least we get a reprieve.
I miss femme Evan Peters, but 1920’s Reformed Dungeon Maker Evan Peters was a fun tradeoff.
How do we think Misty will be saved, assuming she is? Is Langdon going to pull off another seemingly impossible feat, or is Cordelia going to prove she’s still got it? Or is Mallory finna show us what’s so special about her, other than being able to make fake butterflies out of flowers?
Lol, I need all of the backstory on Coco now. I mean, at the end of last episode I was rather irritated we were going to be stuck with her, but after seeing her witch-up like Zoey when the Zombies attacked in season 3, I’m pleasantly waiting on standby to see what she brings to the table.
Is the internet ever going to come to a consensus about how to spell Venable? It’s Gaddafi all over again.
Seriously, can we just have another five seasons centered around the witches? I don’t need half-baked alien storylines or seasons about carnival troupes or really annoying neighbors—just give me Cordelia and co.