Gird your loins, kids: The Rubber Man is back!
Our precious little antichrist with locks of gold, Langdon, began this week’s hour of AHS: Apocalypse by literally unseating top-bitch, Venable, at the head table, because just like his hair, Langdon’s actions are layered.
He wasted no time in sewing seeds of dissent in the bunker, and set in motion a chain of events that had every straight viewer clutching for their pearls.
When the snakes popped up in the first 10 seconds of the episode, and everyone at home thought Madison Montgomery was going to walk in like 2001 Britney.
Ryan Murphy, you tease.
When Evan Peters thought he could flirt his way through an interview with the devil, and said: “I’m gay, but I fucked a girl in high school and I finished and she did too I think; it’s hard to tell with girls.”
Langdon might be the antichrist, but he got everyone at home watching like, “I know he’s a bad boy, but I think I can change him.”
Girl is out here pulling double duty as both the antichrist and a therapist AND HE STILL has time to get a blowout during the apocalypse. A THRIVING KWEEN IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.
It makes all the sense that Michael Langdon was raised by Jessica Lange when you realize no matter what shit he’s gotta do that day—usurp a post-apocalyptic leader, send work emails, haunt a bunker, etc.—he still manages to do a cut crease each morning during the literal end of the world.
When Coco and Mallory complain that the apocalypse has been hardest on millennials, whose lives used to be defined by a plethora of choices and tv channels all competing for our attention.
“We had at least four Chrises that could star in a movie. How many did YOU have?!”
When Venable said, “[You men] swinging your dicks around so much that you managed to blow the whole world to hell.”
When the rubber man—AKA Season 1 Evan Peters—popped up on screen, ready to blow Evan Peters Season 8’s back out.
There’s an awful lot of irony in this scene, starting with, “I’m yours… Body and fucking soul.”
Who knew that Evan Peters bottoming would be the thing that tore Twitter apart.
Speaking of unauthorized fornication, what are the world’s most annoying teen detectives up to this week?
After snooping on Langdon’s computer, they learn that Venable has been making up her own rules, so they go ahead and get down with their bad selves having discovered that the no-boning edict was a bunch of baloney, and get bizzaaaaay. They get discovered—obvi—in a post-coital cuddle, are dragged before Venable, sentenced to death, and then dragged into that murdery shower room. And that’s when things get weird.
The boy teen (these two are so boring I haven’t committed their names to memory) manages to get a shot off and hit Mead, who’s out here bleeding alfredo and it all finally makes sense: she’s a terminator and the nuclear attacks last episode were skynet.
But, that pales in comparison to when Langdon tells Evan Peters, “the hole you need filled isn’t in your face or your ass. It’s in your heart.”
Y’all when I tell you grabbed my chest…
So, Evan takes that note and runs with it, by dry humping his nana and then stabbing her with a pair of scissors, thinking it was Langdon thanks to some magical mental voodoo.
Thus concluding another weird af episode.
Additional thoughts and predictions:
Let’s talk about bout those snakes for a moment—they came back to life after being cooked for dinner, like okay? What do we think is going on there? Did the Coven turn themselves into snakes in order to go underground and survive the nuclear winter? Is that a completely insane thought?
Speaking of my witches, where the hell are they? I feel like the promos keep baiting us with promises of their arrival——If anyone was going to survive the apocalypse it would be Cordelia and her tribe. Between that, the snakes, and then the Stevie Nicks song that played this episode; Ryan Murphy is peak trolling us this season and we’re only two episodes in. Prediction: Whenever they do decide to pop up, my guess is that Cordelia has used her power as the supreme to free Madison, Misty, Queenie and Myrtle from hell in order to strengthen their numbers and survive (but, what about Nan?!)
Venable’s on Coco being a “vacuous abomination of inbreeding. She’d be my last choice to propagate the human race.” What a burn.
Guys, really now, is Kathy Bates playing a robot this season???