To The Friends Who Answer Our 2 AM Texts

14 Perfectly Bitchy Responses When He Texts ‘U Up?’

We’ve all encountered a fuckboy—the peak of the millennial experience. They say you’re the moon and the stars, fronting like they’re Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, when you’ve only known them for a week.

The main hallmark of any fuckboy is the 2 a.m. “U up?” text. We all know this. But sometimes we’re blinded by love (read: he’s 6 ft 2 and has a beard), and we start thinking any form of contact is valid. Don’t be fooled—this is absolutely, unequivocally a booty call. Which is fine if that’s what you want (I love a good ho story over brunch as much as the next), but if not, hit him with one of these the next time Brandon wakes you from a dead sleep.

 1. “We’re sorry; but your booty call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check that you are doing all you can to support women under the current president’s administration and dial again, or call an intersectional-feminist life coach to assist you.”

2. “Hey, yeah, just updating my wedding vision board. Why, what’s up?”

3. “Unsubscribe.”

4. “UHMUHGAWD, You suffer from insomnia too? The only thing that works for me is making mental rankings of the entire discography of underrated pop stars, and tonight is Hilary Duff. Which do you like more ‘Holiday’ or ‘The Math’? ‘Holiday’ is a bop, but ‘The Math’ effortlessly analyzes our society’s fear of fuckboy behav—”

5. “What’s your favorite sex position? Mine is when I lie down next to a guy I just met and read him all my best tweets.”

6. “I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you. How dare you! … Wait, but do you eat ass?”

7. “Yeah, I can’t stop wondering how many brave futuristic police officers there are out there, who are protecting us from evil time travelers, that we don’t even know about.”

8. “Imagine getting to San Junipero and choosing now, when there was a time guys had to write you an entire sonnet just in the hope that their presence would be acknowledged.”

9. “Yeah, just thinking about how I always fall for dreamy and aloof assholes. Sort of like Jordan Catalano—you know, hot, but not funny and can’t read.”

10. “Sorry, I can only get off to gay robot porn.”

11. “HOW CAN I NOT BE??? The Harry Potter Marathon Weekend on Freeform just ended, and I can’t stop thinking about Big Dick Energy.”

12. “Your results are in, and we regret to inform you that you have failed The Bechdel Test.”

13. “Yeah, just finished writing a thinkpiece about how the Marvel Cinematic Universe and Earthquake Coffin Bed are both responsible for transphobia. Read it for me?”

14. “Sorry, I don’t fuck anyone who hasn’t seen every episode of Buffy.”

 Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer. Weirdo.

Keep up with Nick on Instagram and Twitter