8 Kinds Of People Who Would Survive A Real Life Zombie Apocalypse

warm bodies still
Warm Bodies

Ever wondered how long you would survive in a zombie apocalypse? Well, don’t flatter yourself. According to Physics students at Leicester University, everyone would be dead in less than a year.

Given the grim prognosis, it may come as a relief to learn that the research was conducted as part of an annual exercise testing students’ ability to apply scientific models to hypothetical scenarios. So, the researchers are not really expecting the world as we know it to end. But, Trump is president, so you can’t really discount anything.

1. Couples who can go to Ikea without getting into a fight.

These people have a goddamn superpower, and they should be running the country quite honestly.

2. Buffy Fans.

The best part of any conversation I’ve ever had, is when I’ve realized that the other person has also seen every episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” But, aside from Scoobies just being generally better than everyone else I interact with on a daily basis, there is a real merit here. I guarantee you that every person who’s seen an episode of BtVS, has without question, tried do that move where you pop up from the ground, while on your back, and land on your feet. To this day I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my apartment and not being able to explain all the random karate kicks directed at no one. We’ve been conditioned to know exactly how to react in any and all monster related happenings, and even more importantly, we have the best one-liners to strike fear in our enemies.

3. New Media Journalists.

Most of us got into this business because growing up we were obsessed with every movie that had a female reporter who screamed, “KEEP THAT CAMERA ROLLING” during, like, the apocalypse—but, honestly, now most of us are hermits who never come out from behind our keyboards. We would be too busy covering the Presidential Inauguration of Tiffany Haddish, or writing articles about how they’re rebooting “Are You Afraid of the Dark?,” to notice what was happening. When we finally did, we would just lock ourselves away, reciting think pieces we made up—about how the zombie apocalypse is the direct result of mainstream feminism’s failure to embrace intersectionality—into the ether. I mean, just imagine Harriet the Spy as a 20-something.

4. Big Umbrella People.

Big Umbrella People are prepared. They are decisive. They are committed to their choice to walk around with a cumbersome accessory for the entirety of their day, wherever that may lead. Little Umbrella People, by that token, are never prepared for anything. Ironic, since they own about six—all purchased last minute from drug stores. You can spot Little Umbrella People doing their best Oompa Loompa impersonation, as they politely duck under, then rise up, accompanied by their umbrella as they face a consistent onslaught of passersby. Considerate? Yes, but ain’t nobody got time for niceties, when people are getting their faces eaten—by other people.

5. Lanny Onasis.

A character from “Lizzie McGuire,” who, unlike Kathy Santoni, was never heard. He’s a loyal friend, who it seemed like only Matt McGuire could effectively communicate with. Lanny is totally an ISFJ, which is perfect for surviving anything life has to throw at you, including internships and zombies. ISFJs are pleasant enough to be around, but you know nothing about them. In a world where it’s necessary to put yourself first, having as few interpersonal relationships you feel obligated to will be key. Also, ISFJs are used to spending a lot of time in their own heads and aren’t likely to go full “Cast Away” and start having diatribes with inanimate objects.

6. Speaking of personality types… ISFPs.

They’re doing fine at their art gallery job, but whenever they have free time, they’re planning their inevitable escape from mainstream society and can rattle off a 100 point mental timeline detailing how they will build a yurt in the middle of the Siberian wilderness. Just picture Marnie from “Girls.” on “Naked and Afraid.”

7. That deranged sorority girl.

Remember this bish? Rebecca Martinson, once a meme, now an editor for a popular entertainment publication, who once described herself as “the spitting image of Betty Draper from Mad Men, with her hair in perfect curls and wearing a prim little dress…running around wrecking shit and roundhouse-kicking people in the face.” To this day, she has remained steadfast in not regretting what she did. Like Big Umbrella People and the ISFJs out there, not giving any fucks about who she has to sacrifice or take down to survive is exactly the reason she will make it.

8. Goop!

Ever since Gwyneth Paltrow started Gooping all over the internet, it’s been made pretty obvious that she doesn’t have much self-awareness or even a sense of humor about herself. From more harmless feats, like failing to acknowledge the absurdity in suggesting everyone stay at the Four Seasons as if it’s a Best Western, to her more damaging medical advice: suggesting you banish your pesky cesarean scars with live bee stings; poaching her $66 jade eggs to expel energy into one’s vagina, a $120 pack of body stickers that “promote healing” (which have been debunked by NASA, lol), or her super affordable, $30 Psychic Vampire Repellent; and, urging us all to go on her socially-sanctioned eating disorder marketed as a detox. The articles are not exactly what you would refer to as science-based, and yet, no matter how many doctors, scientists, and journalists prove the information she is disseminating is false and dangerous, she continues to thrive. Just recently, she double downed on her quackery by featuring an HIV/AIDS denialist and anti-vaxxer at her debut Goop Summit. Goop is the new cockroach, and are all but poised to inherit this post-fakenewsmedia Earth. TC mark

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