Dear sir or madam whom I possess a great reverent fear of,
My name doesn’t matter yet because i’m on autopilot from applying after 30 jobs online tonight, and I am writing with interest in the job, or literally any job within your company, advertised on your website.
My skills are in reality varied and multifunctional, but for the purpose of this specific job I will exaggerate just the skills you are specifically looking for. I am fully prepared to spend my days drudging through absolutely whatever tedious work assignments you may need me to do, even if they have nothing to do with what I am passionate about or talented in. As an employee, I will wait patiently for the opportunity to actually implement “strategic community engagement” or “dynamic design philosophy” and not have that really mean “manage a forum for someone else” or “follow instruction from misinformed clients”
I am an active learner and an active doer. I feel that your company truly does value this, but I am completely confident these traits will be forgotten somewhere between the blind rush to achieve an arbitrary deadline and the crippling fear of making a mistake. I have much experience in exaggerating and dehumanizing our competition and are completely capable of mimicking the social tendencies of upper management for my own safety.
I so dearly need to throw my self into the exhausting nine-to-five ritual (nine-to-around-seven if I know whats good for me) that I am ready and available to increasingly neglect my social life and personal interest for the sake of satisfying my paranoid superiors who’s job it is to hunt for slackers and get the most work out employees in the short term. You can trust that I invigorate myself and try my very hardest to appreciate my own work, as I fully understand no one will do that for me.
Thank you for considering me for the position, I hope that absolutely anything has convinced you to follow up with my application: gender, race, age, I don’t care. Attached is my resume which has slowly transformed from an optimistic display of work to an anemic list of skills and relevant tech knowledge. Forgive me if it is too short, as I am completely terrified of it being too long. I hope to follow up in about a week’s time to inquire about the position, but I am pretty sure an automated response from an e-mail address I can never respond to will get back to me in about a day, letting me know my resume is at least on record.
I’m glad it is, because if I didn’t get a positive response directly writing to you, I’m sure an outdated Word document a year from now will do the trick.
Sincerely, desperately, wistfully yours,
Me and everyone I know.