What It’s Like To Be Awkward In Person, But Eloquent On Paper: A Writer’s Struggle
Verbal expression of emotion is not something I do well; I’m the equivalent of Liz Lemon when it comes to emotional human interaction. I stumble around words, never really knowing what to say and usually decide silence is my best bet.
In my perfect world I would give hand-written letters to everyone I love, expressing what they mean to me.
I’d write to the man I love about how proud I am of him for serving. How any fear I have about us is brought on by the depth of feelings I have for someone whose job takes him a step further away with each passing day. I’d say you are my best friend and each day I get to spend with you is the new happiest day of my life. I’d write that, despite my fear of expressing my feelings, I will fight every day to make sure you know just how much I care about you.
I’d write to my best girlfriend and tell her she is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. I’d tell her she doesn’t need to be with someone to be complete and that her kindness towards people in her life shines out of her. I’d say, someone will recognize that one day, you don’t need to try so hard to find love, you surround yourself with people who love you whether you realize it or not.
I’d tell my father that I idolize him, that he is my hero, and that I strive to follow in his footsteps where I can. I’d tell him how grateful I am for all the sacrifices he has made for my mother, my sister and I. I’d thank him for introducing me to Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones and all the other countless series that have given me a great love for the written word. I’d say, I hope I am able to give my children even half of what you have given me and hope that I am as lucky in love as my mom is.
I’d write to my mother and tell her I think she is a bright spot of light in an often grey world. I’d tell her that her humor and her love sustained a family that was all too often separated by deployments. I’d tell her how much I admire her resilience and independence. I’d say, thank you for showing me how to be strong and find happiness in all situations, thank you for putting up with me when I was a teenage girl and for helping me through the bad days.
Unfortunately, I don’t live in a world where it is convenient to hand out letters anytime I want to express myself. However, I do live in a world filled with people who matter to me and so each day I’ll continue to try to force the jumble of words threatening to spill out of my mouth into something coherent. Because what matters most is making sure they know how much they matter to me.