7:30am: Boyfriend wakes up for his job. He canʼt find clean underwear. He wants me to “help” him. I JUST bought him a pack of the David Beckham for H&M collection. ITʼS LIKE HE DOESN’T EVEN APPRECIATE ME. I need a Klonopin.
8:00am: Benzo search! (Itʼs like an Easter egg hunt for adults). 8:13am: Locate Klonopin in my Jonathan Adler cookie jar. Ingest 2mg. 8:30am: I should write something.
8:45am: I should write something.
9:20am: Woah this episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is good. One of them is a witch. Is Bravo appropriating Wiccan culture? Should I write a think piece about this and submit it to Gawker?
10:00am: Wow, even the Real Housewives have frequently updated blogs read by millions of people.
10:01am: Observe a Moment of silence for my lost dignity/daily self-loathing hour.
11:01am: Maybe coffee will help. Iced coffee. There is no coffee in this apartment. There is no ice in this apartment.
11:10am: after quick search of kitchen area I canʼt even find bottled water. Find something called “Parrot Bay Frozen Daiquiri”. It comes in a pouch.
11:11am: Time to make a wish! Wish that I was employed full-time by a major publication. HAHA YEAH RIGHT LOL. Decide to be more realistic and wish for a low budget e-book deal.
11:12am: Open Parrot Bay Frozen Daiquiri (itʼs like a juice box for adults).
11:25am: Halfway done with juice pouch. Itʼs snowy outside (or so I heard from the internet). Feeling pos vibes/slight headache.
11:30-12:00pm (ish): Consider replying to troll commenters on various things Iʼve written for the Internet. Decide against it bc POS VIBES.
12:15 (or something): Finished the Daiquiri juice pouch thing. Should I write a review of it for McSweeneyʼs?
12:18-1pm: WOAH THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT HOROSCOPE WEBSITES. Cafe Astrology says my creativity levels are “fair” today. Itʼs like should I even bother writing anymore. Screw everything.
(Approximately) 1-3pm: THINGS GOT HAZY, OK?! Will just refer to this as the Blackout Period.
3:02pm: Hit send on this article (meta!) in my post sugar/alcohol crash haze.
3:45pm: As Klonopin wears off I realize having my name attached to this post renders me unemployable. Mild panic attack.
4:00pm: Whatever. I found another Parrot Bay Daiquiri pouch in the freezer. Day over.