When You’re Married And Divorced On May 8th

From the voice of experience comes a simple walk-though of the things you should feel, accomplish, ignore, dispute, and re-live when you are married and divorced on May 8th.

First, it’s important to not buy a motorcycle. Your friends will tell you it’s a great way to distract yourself from the inevitable experience of “being alive on May 8th.” This is true. It will distract you — from work, relationships, and common sense. Just because you rebuilt a classic Schwinn bicycle last year does not mean you are a certified-amateur mechanic. And while it was the “needs work” price that attracted you to this motorcycle in the first place, you will quickly realize you are in over your head and will be dropping serious cash on your “investment” in order to get it running. You MUST get it running at this point because it is so much more than a bike! It is a symbol… of things… you don’t need to label these things. In fact, you don’t need to explain sh-t. You are a badass with a motorcycle and you hope your ex will see you cruising around Grand Rapids on your sexy iron horse. This represents wholeness.

Pretend you don’t hate your ex. Your real friends will hate her enough for you and you will love them for this.

Date the following people.

  1. A girl too young for you so your ex feels old
  2. A woman too old for you so your ex feels like a child
  3. Someone very different from your ex so she feels like there was something wrong with her.

(NOTE: Eight to eleven months later you will realize that your ex never felt any of these things because she doesn’t give a sh-t about you or what you do. But for now it sounds nice.)

When you are married and divorced on May 8th, cry in front of your parents.

When you are married and divorced on May 8th, dream about seeing her in public with the “other guy.” Imagine the way you will slyly approach the two of them. Practice your smile, the smile that says, “everything’s great now.” Picture yourself extending your LEFT hand to shake his; this will throw him off a bit. Practice the right hook that will bring him to the ground in front of your ex. He’s on his knees now. Kick him in the face, gut, or groin — your choice. Walk away without a word.

You will never get a chance to do this because the first time you see your ex and the other guy in public she will be obviously pregnant and you will want to die. Don’t die here because it is a gyro shop and there is nothing poetic about that.

Live with friends. They will buy you alcohol and laugh at your jokes. If they are good friends they will let you sulk for an appropriate amount of time but won’t be afraid to tell you to man-up.

Your girlfriend will break up with you because you are obviously dating her to get over your pregnant ex-wife. Don’t let this bother you. Don’t blame her. Try to be friends with your ex-girlfriend. This may seem impossible, but it’s worth it.

Ignore your mom when she gets upset over the floundering prospect of grandchildren. Ignore her insinuation that you won’t find a soul mate. Ignore her, mom doesn’t know anything. You are a stud; you will spread your seed over the whole Earth. You will have spawn on five continents. That will show her.

You recently discovered when your little sister found out your ex-wife is pregnant she said, “I will never forgive her.” Relish these moments. Reflect on them a few times a day. This is your sustenance; these comments are your lifeblood.

Buy a new car.

Buy a house.

Change jobs four times.

Make fun of friends for being married because you are soooo over that. They will feel sorry for you. Don’t care about this.

Flirt with the idea of recycling more, eating better, training for a marathon, buying a sailboat, waking up earlier, giving to charity, and gardening. Don’t do any of these things. Don’t let grief change who you really are.

It’s been four years since you were married on May 8th. One year ago you were divorced on May 8th. Reflect on the day she gave you the papers. It was a Sunday. This was before the motorcycle.

She texted:

id like my guitr

meet at meijer @ 12:30?.

You replied:

sure

BAM! You were just served! At Meijer! With a guitar in hand! You did not see that coming! You must have looked so foolish! You are such a sucker! (This is the day you cry in front of your parents.)

This May 8th, you have a few responsibilities to yourself.

Fill a flask with 1/3 Jack Daniels and 2/3 Faygo Cream Soda. (You recently discovered this is called a Cream of Jack. While that sounds sexual, you are okay with it. Your ex-girlfriend describes this as Freudian, but again, you are okay with it.) Drink this all day.

Read blogs and accomplish nothing at work. If anyone calls you out, blow up in their face. Later that day, write an apology letter describing the confluence of events that should excuse your May 8th behavior.

Avoid the Craiglist ads for motorcycles. Avoid gyro shops. Avoid porn. Avoid, if possible, women. Don’t stand in lines, apologize for flatulence, or use proper grammar in emails.

Lastly, eat Taco Bell for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Why? Why not?

This is what people who were married and divorced on May 8th do on May 8th.

Cheers. Or not. TC mark

image – obscura

More From Thought Catalog

  • guest

    While your story is a bit sad, you detailed it in a fine manner! I laughed a bit and that’s been lacking in TC lately. Fine job and hopefully things are looking up! Don’t self-loathe. 

  • From Dixie With Love

    I loved this story. I’m going through a rough breakup, and this made me actually laugh. Keep on keeping on. 

  • Anonymous

    So well written! As sad as it actually is, it was really good. Chapeau :)
    And a virtual hug for you!

    • Mixie0320

      Sad that he had the right to get married in the first place, and now chooses to make light of a situation many people would kill for?  It’s very disrespectful to post something like this on the day of an amendment one vote in NC. 

      • Mack

        “It’s been four years since you were married on May 8th. One year ago you were divorced on May 8th.”  READ.

      • Anonymous

        Please get over yourself; this article speaks about heartache and going through a difficult time in life. It has nothing to do with the NC amendment. It’s not like he got married and divorced same day and now making fun of the situation. leave the guy alone please.

  • Mixie0320

    Nice way to write about how you had the opportunity to BOTH get married and divorced, on the same day that this right is being taken away from most NC residents.

    • Nicholas Looman

      I don’t understand. Could you explain?

      • Mixie0320

        Google NC amendment one, it won’t let me post links.

      • Nicholas Looman

        I understand. No disrespect was intended.
        I did not choose to get divorced
        I did not choose May 8
        and the TC editors chose to post this today

        Read the About section of TC, please. 

      • matt

         are you fucking kidding?

    • Anon

      Before passing judgment, you should actually read the piece. This terrible thing that happened to the author did not happen over the course of one day. 

      • Mixie0320

        It is very poor judgement to post this today, and it doesn’t read like it’s something bad, it reads like he’s whining that’s hes straight, white, young and privileged. 

      • Lady

        I think it’s ironic that while on the one hand you’re angry about a prejudiced amendment, on the other you assume this man’s race, age and social status based on….nothing.  I couldn’t tell you how old this man is, what race this man is or what class this man is from the fact that he’s been married or divorced.  But you assume all of this.  And you also assume that heartbreak is different for people who are straight, white, young and privileged than it is for for anyone else.  Isn’t that the exact opposite of what advocates of gay marriage (myself included) argue? That matters of the heart are universal?  If he were writing an article about how he lost the myriad of rights that come with marriage, sure.  But he’s writing about the beginning and end of a relationship, pure and simple.  So get a grip.  

    • Anne

      oh wow. thought catalog is really not the place for you and your sense of justice, you should try tumblr.

  • Anon

    Does everyone on here have a new reason to bitch about every article? The guy said it himself that he didn’t choose to post this today, TC did. Today is May 8th. While something very unfortunate and wrong is going on in NC that shouldn’t take away the fact that this man is also having a difficult tome. Honestly some people on here need to pull the stick from their asses.

  • Lady

    The guy who wrote this article is in no way responsible for Amendment 1, and he is entitled to his experiences.  Keep your misdirected anger in check, people.

  • Anonymous

    i love you!! enough said… 

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    I really enjoyed this piece.

    “Don’t let grief change who you really are.”

  • EclecticSoul85

    People need to get a grip! Let the man grieve and share in his own way. Beautifully written article Nicholas!

  • http://twitter.com/atelophobiacamp Ana Thomson (@atelophobiacamp)

    a beautiful piece. not only did you live through all this, you were able to turn it into something poignant and amusing and maybe even…uplifting in a morbid way? Bravo. The author is a formidable person.

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