From the voice of experience comes a simple walk-though of the things you should feel, accomplish, ignore, dispute, and re-live when you are married and divorced on May 8th.
First, it’s important to not buy a motorcycle. Your friends will tell you it’s a great way to distract yourself from the inevitable experience of “being alive on May 8th.” This is true. It will distract you — from work, relationships, and common sense. Just because you rebuilt a classic Schwinn bicycle last year does not mean you are a certified-amateur mechanic. And while it was the “needs work” price that attracted you to this motorcycle in the first place, you will quickly realize you are in over your head and will be dropping serious cash on your “investment” in order to get it running. You MUST get it running at this point because it is so much more than a bike! It is a symbol… of things… you don’t need to label these things. In fact, you don’t need to explain sh-t. You are a badass with a motorcycle and you hope your ex will see you cruising around Grand Rapids on your sexy iron horse. This represents wholeness.
Pretend you don’t hate your ex. Your real friends will hate her enough for you and you will love them for this.
Date the following people.
- A girl too young for you so your ex feels old
- A woman too old for you so your ex feels like a child
- Someone very different from your ex so she feels like there was something wrong with her.
(NOTE: Eight to eleven months later you will realize that your ex never felt any of these things because she doesn’t give a sh-t about you or what you do. But for now it sounds nice.)
When you are married and divorced on May 8th, cry in front of your parents.
When you are married and divorced on May 8th, dream about seeing her in public with the “other guy.” Imagine the way you will slyly approach the two of them. Practice your smile, the smile that says, “everything’s great now.” Picture yourself extending your LEFT hand to shake his; this will throw him off a bit. Practice the right hook that will bring him to the ground in front of your ex. He’s on his knees now. Kick him in the face, gut, or groin — your choice. Walk away without a word.
You will never get a chance to do this because the first time you see your ex and the other guy in public she will be obviously pregnant and you will want to die. Don’t die here because it is a gyro shop and there is nothing poetic about that.
Live with friends. They will buy you alcohol and laugh at your jokes. If they are good friends they will let you sulk for an appropriate amount of time but won’t be afraid to tell you to man-up.
Your girlfriend will break up with you because you are obviously dating her to get over your pregnant ex-wife. Don’t let this bother you. Don’t blame her. Try to be friends with your ex-girlfriend. This may seem impossible, but it’s worth it.
Ignore your mom when she gets upset over the floundering prospect of grandchildren. Ignore her insinuation that you won’t find a soul mate. Ignore her, mom doesn’t know anything. You are a stud; you will spread your seed over the whole Earth. You will have spawn on five continents. That will show her.
You recently discovered when your little sister found out your ex-wife is pregnant she said, “I will never forgive her.” Relish these moments. Reflect on them a few times a day. This is your sustenance; these comments are your lifeblood.
Buy a new car.
Buy a house.
Change jobs four times.
Make fun of friends for being married because you are soooo over that. They will feel sorry for you. Don’t care about this.
Flirt with the idea of recycling more, eating better, training for a marathon, buying a sailboat, waking up earlier, giving to charity, and gardening. Don’t do any of these things. Don’t let grief change who you really are.
It’s been four years since you were married on May 8th. One year ago you were divorced on May 8th. Reflect on the day she gave you the papers. It was a Sunday. This was before the motorcycle.
id like my guitr
meet at meijer @ 12:30?.
BAM! You were just served! At Meijer! With a guitar in hand! You did not see that coming! You must have looked so foolish! You are such a sucker! (This is the day you cry in front of your parents.)
This May 8th, you have a few responsibilities to yourself.
Fill a flask with 1/3 Jack Daniels and 2/3 Faygo Cream Soda. (You recently discovered this is called a Cream of Jack. While that sounds sexual, you are okay with it. Your ex-girlfriend describes this as Freudian, but again, you are okay with it.) Drink this all day.
Read blogs and accomplish nothing at work. If anyone calls you out, blow up in their face. Later that day, write an apology letter describing the confluence of events that should excuse your May 8th behavior.
Avoid the Craiglist ads for motorcycles. Avoid gyro shops. Avoid porn. Avoid, if possible, women. Don’t stand in lines, apologize for flatulence, or use proper grammar in emails.
Lastly, eat Taco Bell for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Why? Why not?
This is what people who were married and divorced on May 8th do on May 8th.
Cheers. Or not.