On the first day, you might see me in my natural state – furrowed eyebrows, wandering mind, and eyes that stare blankly at a distance. On other days, you might see me talking and laughing with colleagues and friends, and it might grab your attention. You might want to get to know me, but the first thing that you need to know is this: I won’t always be the girl who caught your attention.
There will be days when I will be better, but there will also be days when I will be hard.
I have had good days and I have had bad days just like the rest of us, but I cannot promise that I will still be lovable during the bad. There are days when I read the same book over and over again for a whole month or listen to the same song more than once a day for a couple of weeks. On these days, I will seem stagnant and stuck. It will seem like I cannot find a reason to continue living, but it will pass. I swear it will; just give me some time.
All my life, the only thing I’ve seen love do is die. This is perhaps the reason why I fear that I may not know how to love. So, please forgive me if there are days when I constantly ask you for a guarantee or validation that I am doing just fine as a partner. There will be days when I will doubt that our love will last, but as cliché as it goes, it’s not your fault; it’s mine. I just haven’t figured out yet how anyone could possibly love a girl like me, and to be pretty honest,
I’m still trying to figure out how to love myself, too, and again, it might take some time.
I am in a constant state of worry and anxiety. I might always put on a brave front, but the truth is, I always fear. I fear failure, and I fear life’s uncertainty. But please don’t lose faith and patience because underneath this girl who will often be hard is a girl who is also capable of loving. I may not be easy but I will love you in colors you didn’t even know existed. I will grab your hand and take you home, and should you ever find yourself homeless, we will build one together.
I will try my best to make you see all the beauty in you as much as you’re trying to make me see mine.
I will love you most on the days you don’t want to love yourself. I will remember you when you want to forget about your existence. I will fight for you when you don’t want to fight for yourself. I will look at you face to face when you don’t want to see yourself in the mirror, trusting that my gaze won’t sink down and disappear from your eyes. I will try and make myself better for me and for you. I will love you in a way I know how because underneath this girl who won’t be easy to love is a girl who at least knows how to fight and love.
And when this girl loves you, you will become every answer to every question, and every solution to every problem. [tc- mark]