It’s almost that time of the year again. That magical, special season that coincides with Autumn foliage when both, yes I said BOTH, football and basketball season are taking place at the same damn time.
There is Monday night football, Thursday night football and Sunday night football! And in case you were worried about what to watch during, let’s say, commercials or other days of the week, there are basketball games sprinkled all in between.
If you, like me, are married or dating someone who is sports obsessed, I’ve put together a play by play guidebook on everything your partner does NOT want to hear while watching games. Let the games begin:
1. I think we should cut the cable…
With all the different streaming services available nowadays, any person trying to cut costs has considered cutting their cable subscription. I can catch all my shows online so I once suggested cutting the cable to save some extra money. My suggestion was met with a dumbfounded stare and this, “But what about sports?”
2. I hope your team loses.
This one is pretty simple and you would think that it wouldn’t have to be said. I’m guilty of speaking these heinous words in a spiteful spirit when I feel ignored or in the aftermath of a heated argument. Be warned – your partner will take these words very seriously. I got the silent treatment for a few hours especially because they really did lose … For the record, I meant what I said.
3. Want to watch…?
STOP RIGHT THERE! Don’t go any further because it doesn’t matter if you are suggesting to catch up on the shows you missed last week, start a new Netflix binge or catch that documentary everyone’s been talking about. At this very moment, there is literally nothing he would rather be watching.
4. Could you run to the store and get…?
It does not matter if your plan was to make mashed potatoes and you have no potatoes. Get creative and fix up another side dish or just forget cooking altogether and order out because going anywhere that loses sight of the game on TV is not an option.
5. Tonight would be a great night to…
Sit down and watch sports. That is the only ending they want to hear to your statement. It’s not a great night to do laundry or work on that to-do-list that’s been stuck to the fridge for weeks. They have ZERO interest in doing anything not sports related, in case you haven’t gotten the point thus far.
6. Want to *wink wink*?
Take it from someone who has tried everything. No sexy outfit, sensual suggestions or provocative positions will be noticed or responded to – so don’t waste your time. You could wear a football helmet or the jersey of their favorite team and nothing else and it still won’t make a difference. You’re better off trying again when the game is over – unless their team lost. Better luck next time.
7. My family wants to come over today.
This one might not be so bad, as long as you are aware and accepting of the fact that they will either be watching the game or, if you’re as lucky as I am, checking their fantasy team on the computer.
If there is a way that they can still see the TV from the dining room table, they may consider sitting with your family. They may even make some half-hearted attempts at conversation during commercials and in between checking their fantasy team from the ESPN app on their phone.
8. Can you rub my feet and/or shoulders?
You’ll get a look and then maybe they’ll comply out of the slightest bit of guilt over all the time they are not spending with you. It will be the worst rub down you will ever receive.
9. My water just broke.
I don’t have kids but my husband once “joked” that if I was giving birth while the Knicks were in Game 7 of a championship series that I’d have to understand why he would be supporting me emotionally from the waiting room of the hospital. Either that or he would ask if the game could be played in the delivery room. I asked him ‘What if it was Game One of the series?” and he paused before responding, “Game ONE …. I mean, I’d really like to watch it, but maybe I could miss it.”
10. Calling them from another room.
Give up now. They’re not coming – you’ll be lucky if they respond with a loud, resounding “WHAT?” Just go into whatever room has the game playing and tell them what it is you need or want. Good luck and may the force be with you. Word from the wise – wait for a commercial, a pee-break or until you hear the refrigerator door opening. Your chances of getting a positive response increase slightly per my personal research.
11. It really hurt my feelings when you…
This is NOT – I repeat – this is NOT the time to talk about how your relationship is going or something they did/said last week that made you feel a type of way. I can promise you that they are not going to give you the attention or response that you are looking. Don’t set yourself up.
12. Pretty much anything you may be considering saying.
Unless you are bleeding or there is a baby on the way (although take note of point number 8) this is not the time to start conversations, ask questions or make plans. Keep this in mind to avoid future aggravations.
In the midst of this beautiful, glorious time of the year remember to revisit this list. Also, remind yourself that your partner has lots of great qualities that led to you falling in love with them before you realized they were having some kind of sick and twisted affair with sports.