Cue the breakup music – It starts out sad and mopey as you listen to Carl Thomas’s “Emotional” and Bryan McKnight’s “Anytime” and Drake … lots of Drake. Then it begins to get a little more “I’m better off” with Chris Brown’s “Deuces.” And eventually, you find yourself slightly bitter, looking for revenge. At this point all bets are off, and you start rationalizing things that you wouldn’t under normal circumstances. This is not you speaking, it’s the breakup.
Breakups are devastating. The heartache can lead to an uncontrollable desire to commit some misdemeanors. Too many people we know have lapsed into larceny, trespassed on private property, and committed property damage all in the name of healing a broken heart or looking for “closure.”
Here are ten petty things you can take from your ex to ensure they will never forget your sense of humor, yeah let’s go with humor.
Every single last pair. If he’s dominican, it’s likely he doesn’t own any socks and/or would not be fazed if you took the few mismatched pairs he does own. In this case, take one pair of laces from all his shoes. It will drive him crazy.
This would be easier to do if you were already living with the person, otherwise you are borderline trespassing. Unless they gave you a key … then all bets are off. Take all the lightbulbs, all of them, even the one in the refrigerator. Here’s how I see it – You were his moon, his light, his everything. Now, he can sit his ass in the dark and contemplate what he did wrong until he can take a trip to Home Depot or the hardware store and get his own damn light bulbs.
3. Chargers and power cords.
From laptops to cellphones, to fitbits and more… I’m talking about anything and everything that charges every source. It’s even more torturous than taking the actual item. Can you imagine coming home with 3% battery life and looking for your charger/USB cable only to find that there are no power cords or USB cables anywhere in the house? They won’t even be able to call you and curse you out. Add that to the list. They will be sitting in the dark with cold feet and no source of entertainment.
4. And DON’T forget the batteries.
From remote controls to the smoke detector. Extra points for replacing the batteries with nearly depleted batteries so the smoke detector won’t stop beeping.
5. Toilet paper and paper towels.
You’ve cleaned up after him enough, now he can clean up his mess with his bare hands. If you want to up the ante, pile all the toilet paper and paper towels in the house into the tub and sink them in water.
6. Half of everything.
No seriously, take half of the pots and some of the lids, but make sure they don’t match. Just the pot from the coffeemaker, only half of the silverware, but make sure it’s all the spoons or forks. Remove the fitted sheets and leave the covers. Take the the earring backs and leave the earrings. If there is a box of Lucky Charms in the house, take the marshmallows out too – You get the jist.
7. Presents you gifted.
You bought it, you keep it.
8. Presents you received.
He should have thought twice before buying you that diamond necklace if he knew he was going to break your heart. Whether you decide to keep it, pawn it or burn it, it’s yours. NO TAKSIES BACKSIES!
9. Access to your Netflix/Hulu/Prime.
Change your password right now. Don’t sit and wonder if he is signing into your account to watch late night movies. This is as urgent as changing your locks or asking for your extra key back. You never want to find yourself accidentally paying for his Netflix and chill session with someone else. Nope, not happening.
10. His identity.
Him: I can’t find my social security card/passport anywhere. Do you know where it is?
You: No idea.
Him: Are you sure?
You: Yeah, but good look findin’ it cuz YOU AIN’T NOBODY WITHOUT ME.
If you want to be extra petty, you can snapchat him a picture of his documents entering the shredder.
The list can go on forever. The sad reality is that none of these things will mend your broken heart, but they will give you a lapsing moment of solace and amusement. When all’s said and done, you’ll have some funny stories to tell your future partner and you better believe they’ll think twice about crossing you after they hear what you did.