“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how great it will be when the right one comes along.” — Unknown
The final week of my student life is ironically torturous yet refreshing at the same time. Well, less of the latter of course. Imagine tearing on the train to school for my first paper, tearing upon seeing my friends after my first paper, trying to read my notes while battling my tears so that I would not look like a complete wreck in the school’s library.
Worst of all, to look at your friends, smiling, and telling them that you are doing fine but just too busy with work.
You, of all people, were my Sun and my shelter amidst heavy storms. God knows you would actually be the one to throw me into this dark abyss, leaving me to rot, to wither and to experience death in a slow but extremely painful manner.
For this, I can never forgive you. I saw the best in you, I tried to be as objective as I can be, I opened my wounds up only for you to sneer at them and I opened my heart up only to have you relentlessly stab it, over and over again.
Do you think it is easy for me to reflect on my faults in accordance to yours? Do you think it is easy for me to put down my pride and tell you that I am sorry, that I will change, only to have you trample all over it? Do you think it is easy to leave my self-worth behind despite knowing how worthless I am in your eyes?
All this time, I have been loving you wrongly. I have been loving the wrong person.
Thank you for showing me the deepest, darkest, ugliest side of your anger and bitterness. Thank you for showing me what a selfish prick you are. Thank you for being the wrong person in my life.
I thank God that we did not go a longer way every single day.
Thank you for making me realise how important it is to love myself. Thank you for looking down on my character and indirectly showing me how you think the worst of me to make me realise how much stronger and better I can be.
I do not need you to be happy, in fact, I never did. But somehow you think that I would literally die without you.
You are definitely wrong, my dear.
The reason as to why my eyes well up in tears each time the thought of you leaving occurs; you broke your promise of being patient and to give us time to take things through in order to change our relationship for the better. To me, you have always been the better half of this relationship and I have always thought that you were somebody who was kinder and more big-hearted than I am.
Turns out I was wrong, big time.
The reason as to why each time my heart aches recollecting that day when you heartlessly turned your back on me, alongside with your friend laughing at my downfall; I never thought that you would be so cruel to leave a week before my final finals and you would be so blind to my cries and pleas. I never thought of you as “mean”.
Turns out you are one of the nastiest person I have ever met.
The reason as to why my heart is now cold; you shattered it after happily, and voluntarily building it up from scratch.
I was hurt, I was broken, and I needed time to find out who I exactly am. You pleaded me to let you do the job, you barged into my life without any permission and you barged out the exact same way.
Boy, that is not how you do things.
Thank you for showing me the consequences of not guarding my heart right. Thank you for making the last semester of my college life so unbearable, showing me that the one thing I was most thankful for, the biggest blessing university has (once) gifted me with, was nothing but a big fat lie.
I do hope that you would come to realize how your flaws are eating you up from the inside with your constant hiding and denial of them.
I do love you, still, but I know that one day, I will come to love the right person the right way and by then, you will be nothing but a faded memory.
Ultimately, thank you for making me learn in the hardest possible way. For all of these, I would still say, thank you. Thank you for being part of my life at some point and thank you for leaving now.