9 Newsworthy Things Worth Knowing This Week

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

I know it looks like I’m being lazy in this week’s recap, but honestly, it was a slow week in the news other than stupid click-bait material:

1. Man responsible for leading the deadly 2012 attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi was captured: Ahmed Abu Khatallah, the Islamist extremist that CNN interviewed within months of the attack, was captured this weekend. He is believed to have led the militia group Ansar al-Sharia as they ransacked the U.S. embassy in Benghazi which killed 4 Americans. “Well this is awkward.” – Trey Gowdys’ thoughts.

Your take: “So the American media was able to have tea with this guy before its investigative/military forces were able to interrogate him?”

2. No school shootings happened: Um, yeah. None.

Your take: “Wait, the NRA and #NotOneMore weren’t trending on Facebook? Hm, this issue must be resolved.”

3. Amazon reveals its own smart phone: Aside from an original 3D-like screen and four front facing cameras, Amazon can now compete with google, Facebook, and apple in collecting your personal data. The phone is able to expand Americans demands for spending money they don’t have on products they don’t need, making shopping easier than cooking a grilled cheese. The phones application called “Firefly” can read its surroundings, both visual and audio, and provide Amazon with detailed information on your daily habits. Honestly though, Amazon just legitimately stepped up its game in the mobile tech market.

Your take: “I’m buying one, I don’t care how many people are able to follow my every move.”

4. ISIS in Iraq is a serious situation: So much is happening with Iraq this week it’s virtually impossible to summarize it in a paragraph. This is why the following steps, which takes less than 20 minutes to complete, could inform you on every detail of the situation:

Step One: Read about how Al-Queda/ISIS was able to regain strength in Iraq’s ridiculously corrupt government.

Step Two: Inform yourself on who’s fighting in Iraq and why.

Step Three: Find out what Team America (F*CK YEAH) is doing about it.

After following those three steps, you will be more informed on the issue than anyone else at happy hour, and you’ll also see why I can’t summarize this situation in 4 sentences.

Your take: “Dick Cheney needs to shut his mouth since he blatantly misinformed the world on this issue 11 years ago.”

5. Hillary Clinton continues to do nothing: The conservative media has been blasting Hillary Clinton while the liberal media has been praising her, and for good reason too: absolutely nothing. The erect hard-on of the associated press, which blows in whichever direction the biased wind blows, has kept her name in the headlines for no reason whatsoever. And she probably likes it that way because she’s a sociopath like the rest of them.

Your take: “Chocolate milk is brown. Oh shit, I’m a racist, homophobic rapist because I’m white and have a penis.”

6. House has new Majority Leader: After Eric Cantors surprising defeat to a Tea Party Candidate last week, the house has chosen Kevin McCarthy of California as the new leader. The 49-year-old beat Tea Party member Raul Labrador, who would have been the first Latino, first Mormon, and first Idahoan to be House majority leader.

Your take: “Thank God the Tea Party didn’t get any more power than they already have. Can’t wait until the scandal.”

7. Media is allowed inside Nogales migrant detention center: Photographers were able to document the dire humanitarian situation happening on the border in Arizona and Texas, where thousands of the 47,000 unaccompanied children from Central America have crossed the border since October 1st (a 90% increase over last year) are being held. The children are being housed in detention centers which were built to hold half as many occupants, and the children are basically living in cages separated by sex and age. America is sending one of the most useless men in the government (Biden) to Central America to have coffee with other rich men and pretend like they care. See pictures here.

8. New York will legalize marijuana: great news for the terminally ill only: New York will join 22 states in legalizing marijuana use for the terminally ill. The good news is 24 states are reviewing legislation to decriminalize pot, which is completely different than legalizing medicinal use.

Your take: “These brownies taste funny, did you use peanut oil or olive oil? The gnomes dancing on them told me its peanut oil but I can’t trust them.”

9. Videos worth watching:

1. This guy replaces Brittany spears in her “work bitch” video and is still sexier than she was in 2008

2. A five-year-old proves Lil Wayne is a talentless clown.

3. Daddy takes daughter on first date, with a twist. TC mark

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