Don’t sound like an uncultured swine this evening at happy hour. I’ve compiled the below overview of the week in news so you can sound like you actually care what’s going on in the world:
1. 9 Ringling Circus performers injured in collapse: while 8 Barnum and Bailey performers were dangling by their hair in a Rhode Island show, a clamp broke sending them all falling 35+ feet onto the ground and onto one other actor. One performer has left the hospital while four are in critical condition and four are in good condition.
Your take: “I guess when your job description states “dangling by your hair 40 feet above ground with 7 other acrobats” things don’t always pan out as expected. Things got awkward when the acrobats fell as the announcer said “suspended by only a string…” uuuhh was that supposed to happen?”
2. Media catches onto Nigerian schoolgirl kidnappings: the world/media is finally in a frenzy about 280+ Nigerian school girls who were kidnapped by the anti-western-education group called Boko Haram. It’s nice to see that Americans finally care for something other than a racist billionaire, considering these girls were kidnapped on April 14th. That alone sums up our pathetic millennial bitching about our “racism/privilege” while the rest of the world faces real struggle: American privilege. Eight more girls were kidnapped on Sunday night, and America has sent a few military and law enforcement “experts” to Nigeria to assist in finding the girls. This actually is a really messed up situation, especially since the gang leader declared he was going to sell the girls on the open market… because pathetically, that kind of market exists in this world. Amnesty International has reported that the Nigerian government knew of the Islamist groups attack beforehand but didn’t have the resources or balls to confront them. Donate to the cause here.
Your take: “I know we’re fashionably late to the global pity party because we have nothing else to complain about in our own country at the moment, but we will get that motherf*cker like we got Kony. AMIRITE?! ‘murica.”
3. Apple is likely buying Beats by Dre (Beats Electronics): Apple, who revolutionized the way people buy and listen to music earlier last decade, is reportedly buying Beats by Dre for $3.2 billion. Apples largest acquisition to date signals a change in CEO Tim Cooks’ growth strategy of typically buying technology providers and integrated software. Dr. Dre also just re-established his seat on top of the music industry/world and can stop being so angry in his music now.
Your take: “I’m highly impressed by Dr. Dre’s ability to find talent like Eminem, make killing cops seem cool, and reinforce lyrics like “n*ggas try to be the king but the ace is back.” For real, props homie. That’s a feat for anyone, especially a kid off the streets.”
4. Updated climate assessment released: The White House released a climate report, printed on 841 pieces of paper, which basically said the globes pending climate issues are happening sooner than we thought (a.k.a. yesterday). Sea levels can rise up to 4 feet by the end of the century, and some regions will increase by 9 degrees with more drought. Others will see a significant rise in flooding or wildfires. The report, which was compiled by over 300 climate “experts,” was of course met with opposition from cliché republicans who are in the pockets of massive fossil fuel conglomerates. Seriously, if you still believe global warming is just some attention-seeking theory from the guy who invented the internet, get your head out of your ass.
Your take: “I’d love to be able to help, but between two jobs, feeding my kids, keeping up with a mortgage, and paying off student loans, there’s not much I can change in my day-to-day to keep polar ice caps from melting. This report should have just been handed to the top 60 companies that actually deplete the globes resources and increase its temperature. They can actually do something about it (but likely won’t).”
5. Cleveland Browns draft Johnny Manziel: after a three hour wait in the NFL draft last night, Johnny Manziel, the only true freshman Heisman trophy recipient in history, was drafted to the Cleveland Browns. The Browns’ haven’t won a super bowl since 1964, but they now have the most electrifying player in the 2014 league and he will most definitely bring viewers to the stands. If you live in Cleveland and want to find the few sexy girls in your city on a Sunday, try heading to FirstEnergy Stadium.
Your take: “while his antics off the field bring much controversial publicity, his amazing plays on the field will light up ESPN highlight reels and bring much needed attention to the Browns.” Make a comparison to the Cavaliers NBA draft of Lebron James and you’re golden.
6. House approves committee to investigate Benghazi attack: House republicans have voted on Thursday to create an investigative committee to look into the facts surrounding the 2012 terrorist attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya. The committee, headed by current conservative hero and Draco Malfoy’s older brother Trey Gowdy, will include 7 republicans and 5 democrats. The purpose of the committee is to find out if the attack, and subsequently the deaths of four American diplomats, was an organized terror attack or the result of angry mobs protesting. Why this even matters is because the republicans think the Obama administration classified the details of the attack which would hide their knowledge and handling of the events as they occurred (which would have affected Obama’s campaign at the time). On one side you have reds looking like crazed conspiracy theorists politicizing a true tragedy and on the other you have blues poking fun at transparency efforts in the death of four Americans. Neither side looks good.
Your take: “Fuck ‘em all”
7. Trending videos this week that are worth watching:
Astrologists at MIT create the first visualization of the evolution of the universe (seriously, it’s the biggest thing that happened all week that you didn’t hear about; and it’s pretty damn awesome).