1. AT&T buys DirecTV: In a nutshell, everyone’s worst technological nightmare came true this week when one of the world’s shittiest companies bought another one of the worlds shittiest companies. The deal totaled over $48 billion dollars. It’s actually a pretty smart business move considering they can now sell you “bundles” and provide you with consistently terrible service.
Your take: “I’m just glad only one company is compiling all of my personal information, including personal calls and television preferences, to give to the NSA.”
2. Hiding money in secret Swiss bank accounts is no longer possible: Rich people everyone are freaking out over which country they should transfer their millions to after Credit Suisse pled guilty in conspiring to aid tax evasion and pay $2.6 billion in fines to the DOJ and financial regulators. The Philippines is still the general consensus on where the funds are headed, albeit much less account security.
Your take: “why are all major banking institution managers in the U.S. that assisted in causing the Great Recession making millions, yet were going after foreign banks? Oh yeah, politics.”
3. Scientists predict they will be able to turn light into matter within the next year: to be honest, I know nothing of sciences so I always freak out when I have to summarize some “sciency stuff” for you fine readers. Wait, most major news stations don’t know what they’re talking about either so I should just tell you I’m an expert and spit nonsense at you. That’s why I’m providing the link to a credible source, because I literally have no idea how it works.
Your take: “were human. We’re really good at screwing things up. Creating a physical form of energy is the end of us. Imagine atomic energy in controllable physical form. This should scare the hell out of all of us, but no one’s talking about how humans are always able to find the worst possible way to advance science. You know, like atomic weapons and machines that kill people.”
4. Thai military takes over volatile government to hinder citizen protests: Since fall of last year, the Thai government has been at qualms with its citizens because its Prime Minister, in 2006 mind you, was ousted due to corruption charges. His sister then was voted into power (like, wtf?) and late last year proposed a bill that would have given her brother amnesty. Months of protest resulted in the military declaring martial law this past Tuesday and admitting a coup yesterday. The next step is brining opposing parties together to try and find a peace resolution.
Your take: “I care because plenty of the world’s top companies rely on Thailand’s production of tech devices, cars, and financial services to meet mostly western countries demands. We outsource many of our jobs to this country, so we need stability in Thailand in order to buy products we use every day.”
5. GM recalls millions of cars this week: 13 accumulated deaths have resulted in General Motors recalling 15.8 million cars since January 1st, totaling $1.7 billion worth of losses to the automobile company and its suppliers. They have recalled 2.6 million cars Wednesday and Thursday alone, due to faulty ignitions that turn their cars off to shut off while driving. GM has only sold 12 million cars since June of 2009; you do the math.
Your take: “I sold GM’s stock before their 2nd quarter earnings are released… in 6 weeks.”
Some really disgusting events made the news this week that I can’t even poke fun at:
1. California Mother kills her three children with a knife and is found lying in bed naked with them. Father and grandmother were home.
2. 71 people caught in child porn distribution scandal, including a police chief, a rabbi, two registered nurses, a paramedic, a Boy Scout leader, and mother who sold videos and pictures of her own 3 year old daughter. I feel sick. So, so sick.
3. Man in California kidnapped a 15 year-old a decade ago and used her as his sex slave. Plot twist: she had her own job and car and rekindled with her family last month.
4. Boko Haram is at it again with targeted bombs killing 120 people on Wednesday. Yes, the same place that 280+ schoolgirls were kidnapped from 2 months ago and the same place that the United States just sent 80 troops to.
Videos that are worth watching:
1. This high school kid absolutely annihilates his competitors in a school talent show with insane Michael Jackson-like moves.
2. A super-cell storm in Wyoming was captured by storm chasers and reminds us why nature can be the ultimate killer and eye-porn at the same time.
3. Will Ferrell and Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith have an amazing interview and drum-off on Jimmy Fallon.