I had very mixed feedback on my article last month, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, and would like to take this opportunity to point out that sometimes, it’s ok for a man to let his guard down. Sure, I flex in front of the mirror, work out, have chest hair, chug beer, and take pride in making my girl feel safe when we’re out. I am a man, after all, and we men come with a man card. It’s held dearly, and can be revoked by your buddies at any given time for engaging in an unmanly act. I predict plenty of insecure dirtbags saying I lost my man card just writing this, but to them I say, you’re just a troll and your girlfriend probably likes me better. Bitch. Anyway, there are exceptions, and the below situations describe the scenarios in which it’s totally ok to throw your man card out the window.
1. The uncontrollable baby voice.
Anytime you play with a dog, your balls automatically get vacuumed right up into your stomach. Your voice is as high as Mickey Mouse inhaling helium after he just got kicked in his testicles. You know you do this, so shut up. I’m completely aware the pup can’t answer me, but I’m still going to ask him “who’s a good boy?!” four times while scratching his back. I don’t know what it is, but something about dogs make grown men talk like children. Same goes for playing with a baby. I’ll snap my own arm in half to make a baby laugh. I’ll also speak in a voice that shouldn’t have ever left my body after age 3. The best part of maxing out your man card in these situations is you’ll likely melt the hearts of any witnessing lady’s, which should return the cards credit.
2. Playing with your old toys after years of them in hiding.
A few months ago, I was cleaning out my garage when I came across a box of my brothers and sisters old toys, including my G.I. Joes. I looked over my shoulder to make sure the ol’ lady wasn’t around, and then I sat Sergeant Slaughter in his tank for the first time in 19 years. Upon seeing him back in action, Barbie almost slipped out of her ‘vette and Raggedy Anne took off her overalls. Out of nowhere, Lieutenant Falcon and Tunnel Rat, under cover-fire from Quick Kick and Frostbite, shot Sergeant Slaughter and took control of the tank. Snake Eyes panicked, but he whipped out his sword and attacked Recoil, killing him and General Flagg simultaneously. Turns out Bullet Proof wasn’t so bullet proof, as he lay dead next to a box titled “Christmas Decorations.” Next thing you know, my garage is a goddam war zone, with Crankcase, Thunder, and Ripcord (I had a lot of G.I. Joes) parachuting from the rafters yielding assault rifles and grenades, inhaling freedom as they fell. Then my girlfriend walked out, kicked me in the balls, and went back inside. Point is, whether you have Pokémon cards, Hot Wheels, or Supersoakers, let out the inner child, man. Your eight-year-old self would be proud of you for not being such a dickweed when you got old.
3. The rare romcom.
The Notebook? Yeah, I’ve seen it like 15 times. I won’t even lie, I watched it by myself last Tuesday night while eating a ribeye and drinking Guinness. Hang in there manly men, it gets worse. I actually enjoyed How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. I know, I know. But listen, we all can relate to having a girl go nuts on us in the first few days of a relationship, and watching someone else endure the craziness makes me laugh. Plus, Kate Hudson is super sexy and every time she smiles, a cute, fluffy kitten is born. A Walk to Remember? Don’t even get me started; that tragically incredible movie almost brought this grown ass man to tears. If you deny that you’ve ever cried during a movie, you’re the pussy for not being comfortable with your own sexuality. I went through 3 boxes of tissues after watching The Green Mile. Anyway, I’ll quickly finish the rest of the scenarios because Sixteen Candles is on at 7:30.
4. Ordering off the kid’s menu.
Sometimes, the only thing that could make my day better is some chicken fingers with a side of mac-n-cheese. You know what’s better than feeling nostalgia? Eating it. A classic Grilled cheese takes me back to a time when women used to wait on me; cook me delicious food, tuck me into bed, and even play with my Legos with me. Now they just yell at me to take out the trash or match my socks. In any case, I still get giddy when I see my pancakes served with a set of Mickey Mouse ears, chocolate chip eyes, and a bacon smile. Oh, and Extra cherries in my Shirley temple please (and maybe some vodka?).
5. Being degraded so you can get some.
Before you go apeshit, hear me out here fellas,’ you’re all guilty of this one. I vaguely remember the one time when I was a fraternity pledge and a whole sorority forced me to wear a dress and stockings for skit night. I say vaguely because I was half a fifth deep and I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to forget that moment of my life. Call me what you want but I got an OTPHJ (don’t Google that at work) from Kelly on the after-party dance floor that night. She called me funny and said I had balls for being able to do that. Then she played with them. I hate to admit it, but it wasn’t the last time I threw out the man card in order to enjoy the company of a beautiful, naked woman.
There’s plenty more scenarios where throwing out your man card is completely acceptable, but maybe I’ll get into that later; Sixteen Candles just started. Feel free to leave other scenarios in the comments, or just write something demeaning because you’re a subterfuge softie. Weirdo.