How many of these goddamn things am I going to write? How many times have I forgiven you? How many will it take for me to learn? I’m so confused it hurts. How could this be possibly happening again? How is this STILL affecting me the way it does? Why you? What is it about you that won’t let me forget? I’ve tried. I have. The thoughts of you are a parasite eating away at my soul, driving me mad with pain and darkness. Even when I try to focus on the good you brought into my life, a shadow of doubt clouds my thoughts. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Please. I beg you. I’ll do anything. I wish I never met you.
Some days it’s okay. It has gotten better, admittedly. But today it’s not okay. Today it hurts. Today it’s real. Today is a struggle. I’m in a torture chamber of my own creation. I thought I got away when I left. I thought the thoughts would leave with my airplane. I ran. I ran from country to country to escape myself. Your face drifted past me on the beach in Zanzibar. I remember. It was your birthday. I wanted to say it. I did. I wanted to call you and tell you everything — how sorry I was and that I still thought of you and I still wanted you in my life. But I didn’t. I sat in the shallows of the Indian Ocean, letting the water wash over my body, thinking only of you and doing nothing. What would I say? It was me who cut you out. It was my decision. I didn’t even ask you. I couldn’t. I couldn’t put myself through this again. You broke your promise. You told me you never wanted to hurt me. You hurt me. You said you didn’t want to lose me again. You let me walk away. You said you would try. You said. You said. You said. You did nothing. It was all words. You were all words. I needed more than words and you knew that. You knew you couldn’t and wouldn’t be the man I knew you were. You let me believe you were.
I WAS SO STUPID. How could I believe all those words after how much pain you caused? How many tears have I shed in your honor? Too many. How many tears have you shed in mine? None. Why did I believe that you were headed north when you were walking south? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone who didn’t want that with me? Why were you sleeping with me and going to dinner and having sleep over’s with me? YOU DIDN’T WANT ME. How could you? How could I? I’m smarter than this. Why did you want her and not me?
Why not me?
I’m going to see you again. I’m dreading it. I’m avoiding it for as long as I can. I promise. My heartbeat triples when I think of seeing your face again. It’s not excitement. It’s a full body dread. What will I say? I could pretend I never knew you. That would be fresh. Just strangers; you and I. We never met. How I wish things were. I wish we never met. I wish I never forgave you that first time. I wish I never spoke to you. I wish. I wish. At least let me forget. All the good. All the bad. I want none of it. I want to hear your name and have no feeling. I want to be numb to you. When I see you, I will say, “hi,” and flash a smile. But what I will mean is all of these questions. I will smile, but inside I’ll be screaming. I’ll walk coolly away, but I’ll feel fire beneath my soul.
I can’t escape the hatred. The love. The pain. It’s all here. An exposed nerve.
Why did I email you? I drank too much. I smoked too much. I wasn’t in my right mind. I thought I could say all of this with one sentence. It was stupid, I know. Why didn’t you respond? I wish everyday that I didn’t do that. I wish I never met you. I wish you would grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for your behavior. I wish you were a man. I wish you would be him – the version of you that I created in my head, the version of you that I compare to actual you. I made you up. You don’t exist. You aren’t the man I love. You aren’t even the man I hate. You are just a man. You don’t matter. You are blip on the great plane of the universe. The only reason I still care is because I haven’t found anyone new yet. You aren’t the person I love. I don’t love you. I never loved you. I wanted to control you. I wanted an ego boost. I wanted everything I could never have. I wanted to win. I wanted to be right. I wanted to prove to you that I was worth it. I am worth it. You couldn’t see that. I forgot that. But I remember now. I’m worth it. I’m worth the call. I’m worth the text message. I’m worth the email response. I’m worth the 35 dollars you owe me. I’m fucking worth it. Why can’t you see? Why did you make me feel so worthless?
Why did I let you?
I’m embarrassed. I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m relieved. I’m missing you. But most of all, I’m ready. I want out. I want away. I want you to know that I’m hurting and it was you who did it. I want you to know that I’m fine without you. I want you to know that I wish I never met you. I want you to know that I’m glad I did.