Sometimes, late at night before I fall asleep, I think about how I would feel if I found out the people I love have a time limit left on their life. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe, it’s because I’m terrified at the thought of losing people. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of being on my own. However, I know that in life, things are uncertain, and life can run its course sooner for the elderly. It’s weird though – how real these imaginations can come to life, and how intense the pain feels, even when I know that right now everyone around me is okay. Nonetheless, these images I create in my head are earth-shattering.
Sometimes, I think about you being in that position. I think about how I would feel if I found out you were sick, hurt, or struggling. The tears will form with my eyes closed and the ache I feel in those moments is excruciating. At times, I can feel myself holding my breath. But, without hesitation, the images flash forward to where I am doing everything I can to bring you to normalcy. It’s crazy to think that even though you’ve been out of my life for years now, I would still go above and beyond for you.
These hypnagogic thoughts make me question whether my feelings for you are really gone. And maybe that’s what makes love really beautiful – because it will stay in phases even when people walk away. I learned that love never really goes away. It simply fades into your subconscious until you decide one day to think of that person again. Because memories never fade. Emotions never fade. I just pretend they do in order to make myself happy, to make others happy, and to exuberate confidence towards the people I decide to love in my future.
And that sucks.
Because I shouldn’t have to downplay my feelings in the past in order to convince someone that my feelings now are real. Because people may have loved and lost – but those feelings will always linger. People don’t necessarily have to stay in your life for you to still care.
All I can do is learn how to make room for new love without feeling guilty for loving in the past. New love doesn’t make us forget our pasts, it simply helps us move forward. I know that I may not be someone’s only love, but one day I will be their best love. And that’s all that matters.