You love sex but hate genitalia. It takes you 11 hours to tell a story that would take anybody else 10 minutes.
People loved you in the 90s and yes, you’ve never looked better in your life, but nobody can take you seriously because you got drunk at a party once and said “cunt” in mixed company and everyone heard it and nobody is going to let it go.
Though intelligent, critically acclaimed, and down-to-earth, you are completely insufferable yet nobody will have the heart to tell you until at least 2014.
You are Audrey Hepburn with the mouth of Sarah Silverman.
Despite the fact that nobody has heard of you, you apparently have Laura Dern inside of you once a week. Which is impressive if you’re into that sort of thing.
Game Of Thrones
You pretend to be dark and mysterious and learned but you’re really just all about titties and death and midgets.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
You are a vessel of truth awash in a sea of contradictions, idiosyncrasies, and ego. This is to say that nobody has invited you to a party since 2003.
Anthony Bourdain was inside of you for a short period of time. People want to bring this up but to be honest it kind of hurt and he never calls. One day, people will understand your slow-boiling, earthy brilliance. Until then, you’re “The Wire except with trumpets, food.”
Real Time With Bill Maher
You never got over the time your Republican parents made you break up with your liberal boyfriend. Either that or you’re just a phenomenal dick with a knack for timing and placement.
Eastbound & Down
Despite being a terrible human being you’ve managed to overcome all of the odds. By ‘odds,’ we mean jaw-clenchingly-vast-amounts-of-cocaine.
Vampires, sex, and the deep south. You are the fever dream of a gay 14-year-old sleeping under too many blankets.