What Your Pizza Says About You
By Ned Hepburn
Plain Cheese: You don’t so much enjoy pizza as your actively chewing. You are bitter and alone most of the time.
Pepperoni: You own many books that you have not read yet; all of which are displayed prominently on a bookshelf or coffee table.
Sausage: Nobody has had the heart to tell you that conversations always die whenever you walk into a room.
Pineapple: You are secretly gay. If you are already gay, you are secretly straight.
Onions: You’ve started to believe the guy who did the voiceover on the TV show “The Wonder Years” is following you around everywhere.
Bacon: You own cologne that smells like BBQ sauce and sleep in a bed shaped like a circle.
Mushrooms: You always cry at weddings, because you are allergic to happiness.
Anchovies: Your life goals are always far too obtainable, such as playing drums in a Stone Temple Pilots cover band, or graduating from community college.
Jalepenos: Everybody knows when you’re stoned because you’re wearing your sunglasses indoors so you can stop pretending we all haven’t figured it out yet.
Spinach: You’ve shot and killed your own dinner before and you don’t even live anywhere near a forest.
Basil: You believe that you can fully reason with people who leave comments on the internet.
Bell Pepper: You’ve left increasingly violent and misogynistic voicemails anonymously on your employers answering machine, in the voice of Kermit the Frog.
Sun Dried Tomatoes: You overly identify with the character of Liz Lemon in the show 30 Rock to the point where people around you are scared to ever mention that the show might one day go off the air.
Oregano: That half empty and probably expired jar of Nutella ain’t gonna eat itself now, is it?
Garlic: People are tired about how much you say life abroad is so much different / more exotic / nicer considering that you only went to Europe that one time for six weeks.
Ham: You’ve repeatedly opened and closed the refrigerator door fully expecting there to be different items than the last time you looked.