What Your Pizza Says About You

Plain Cheese: You don’t so much enjoy pizza as your actively chewing. You are bitter and alone most of the time.

Pepperoni: You own many books that you have not read yet; all of which are displayed prominently on a bookshelf or coffee table.

Sausage: Nobody has had the heart to tell you that conversations always die whenever you walk into a room.

Pineapple: You are secretly gay. If you are already gay, you are secretly straight.

Onions: You’ve started to believe the guy who did the voiceover on the TV show “The Wonder Years” is following you around everywhere.

Bacon: You own cologne that smells like BBQ sauce and sleep in a bed shaped like a circle.

Mushrooms: You always cry at weddings, because you are allergic to happiness.

Anchovies: Your life goals are always far too obtainable, such as playing drums in a Stone Temple Pilots cover band, or graduating from community college.

Jalepenos: Everybody knows when you’re stoned because you’re wearing your sunglasses indoors so you can stop pretending we all haven’t figured it out yet.

Spinach: You’ve shot and killed your own dinner before and you don’t even live anywhere near a forest.

Basil: You believe that you can fully reason with people who leave comments on the internet.

Bell Pepper: You’ve left increasingly violent and misogynistic voicemails anonymously on your employers answering machine, in the voice of Kermit the Frog.

Sun Dried Tomatoes: You overly identify with the character of Liz Lemon in the show 30 Rock to the point where people around you are scared to ever mention that the show might one day go off the air.

Oregano: That half empty and probably expired jar of Nutella ain’t gonna eat itself now, is it?

Garlic: People are tired about how much you say life abroad is so much different / more exotic / nicer considering that you only went to Europe that one time for six weeks.

Ham: You’ve repeatedly opened and closed the refrigerator door fully expecting there to be different items than the last time you looked. TC mark


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  • Nicole

    What does it say if I want (almost) all those things on my pizza?

    • Elle

      It means you're a libra.

  • average girl

    I can't relate to this in any way. It's just a bunch of made up shit.

    • http://twitter.com/nedhepburn Ned Hepburn

      I was blacked out on ether when I apparently wrote this.

    • inflammatorywrit

      Did you really expect that author of this article could see into your soul based on your pizza toppings? It's no surprise you didn't like this, then.

    • http://twitter.com/benhRjr ben Raifsnider, jr.

      i really, really hope that someday someone will read something i've written and refer to it as “made up shit”

    • dechonmustard

      Of course it is!

      It's like a mood ring… but in pizza form… but not really.anyway, it's just for fun
      here I am gettin' all basil-y

  • http://twitter.com/raystraight Ray Straight

    Who wants to make a diagram of all the potential combinations?

    • CUinNYC

      nCr on your calculator.

  • tracy

    Haha!  This was great. I LOL'd.

  • http://twitter.com/just_franklin Jay Frank

    No substance in this one. And to think I was quasi-excited to know what my pizza (Sausage, Peppers and Onions) said about me (Blahse 20-something reliving his italian past) when it popped in my Google Reader.

    • http://twitter.com/nedhepburn Ned Hepburn

      I will write the next one entirely based on your input.

      • Ashley McKenzie

        writers responding to readers with passive aggression only makes you look like a jerk.

      • http://twitter.com/nedhepburn Ned Hepburn

        i will try harder next time. i am sorry to have failed you.

      • Ashley McKenzie


    • your cousin

      “Blahse” – Is that Italian?

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    Your writing makes me laugh, Ned Hepburn.

    Y0u should have a regular column on here. 

    p.s.  I still miss Boner Party.

  • http://twitter.com/Obdurodon Jeff Darcy

    Love it.  Here are a couple you missed.

    * Hamburger: Apparently even pepperoni or sausage would be too adventurous for you.  People fall asleep just looking at you.

    * Ricotta: You really wanted lasagna, but this lousy pizza shop didn't have any.

    * White (no sauce): This is a special treat; the rest of the week you subsist on granola and bean sprouts (locally grown, of course, certainly not from Germany).

  • Sonia

    Where's the olive love? Olives are mandatory on pizzas.
    And there's a difference between black & green olives.

    Someone creative, get on that.

  • Emily

    This is absolutely retarded and pointless. I hope you're not getting paid for this.

    • http://twitter.com/nedhepburn Ned Hepburn

      I got paid $1,000 to write this. Sorry.

    • Reallyyyydude

      I thought this was a fantastic post compared to the majority of the other recent posts.

  • Teukros

    Preeeeeetty sure there's a big your/you're problem in #1.

    • inflammatorywrit

      You spelled “pretty” wrong.

  • inflammatorywrit

    Haters gonna hate.

    You totally nailed me with the basil and sun-dried tomato.

    • dechonmustard

      bahahaha amen!
      I can't lie, I always think of her while I'm drinking pinot grigio

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I love pineapple. I love fruits. I am secretly fruity; secretly in love with every women on the planet.

  • jt

    I'm loving this.

    • jt

      p.s. I just bookmarked this.

  • eceismen

    “Basil: You believe that you can fully reason with people who leave comments on the internet.” THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS

  • idk

    now i'm giggling and hungry

  • http://twitter.com/nestevian888 Ni

    I think 6 weeks is sufficient time to get an idea of what life is like in another country.


    this made no sense! 

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