19 Signs You’re In A Sh*tty Relationship
By Natsai Todd
1. The sex is amazing. Like amazing.
Nine times out of ten you deal with a lot of bullshit from someone because the sex is actually groundbreaking. You’re temporarily blind while coming. They invented a few positions and discovered spots that you had no idea would make you do…that thing you do. You’re at your most vulnerable point and you don’t want to imagine life without that splendid, splendid, genitalia of theirs. But if multiple orgasms is one of the few reasons why you stay then you should either downgrade to just being fuck buddies (if you both can handle that) or move on. Great sex is not the foundation of a fulfilling relationship, it’s a byproduct.
2. You’re in constant contact with them, meanwhile they’re MIA.
If you send texts, calls, Facebook messages, or notes via carrier pigeon and they don’t get back to you within an appropriate time frame then you’re not a priority to them. What’s the point of a relationship without regular communication? And be careful, because this is also a sign of infidelity. You’re number could be saved as “Wednesday” while you’re picking out baby names.
3. But when they hit you up they expect you to drop everything.
If you don’t respond to them immediately because you’re not sitting by the phone waiting for their imminent return and they have an attitude about it, then that person is selfish and you shouldn’t make any room for them in your life. Chances are they’re only getting in contact with you for their own benefit or to justify their lack of communication. This only creates a sad cycle of drama. (Pay attention to what time they get in contact also, after 10pm is a bad sign.)
4. You ignore your first thoughts.
Did you ever react negatively to something they did or said? Or looked back on it later and realized you didn’t like that? Afterwards, did you think of several factors as to why they might have done or said that? Blame your own behavior? Don’t go out like a sucker and follow your gut. If you consistently initially feel a certain way but then rationalize it away, chances are you’re playing yourself and letting them get away with mistreating you. If you allow that, then you teach them what they can get away with.
5. Because you rationalize their behavior to yourself, you give that explanation to others.
You’ve successfully convinced yourself to tolerate their bullshit and when you bring up their faux paus with your friends you follow it by, “but that was because he didn’t eat that day,” or “she was really stressed about a test,” or “his grandma got lost riding through six with her woes.” Whatever the reason, you emphasize the explanation to other people more so than what they did wrong.
6. You’re main topic of discussion with your besties is them.
Your significant other is fucking up so religiously that you can’t focus on anything else. Other topics of conversation don’t matter to you right now because you need explanations or listening ears from your trusted besties. This is a gradual process, but before you know it you’re only talking about the crap you put up with and feel good to let it out. If you’re shitty partner happens upon a good day and treats you to an ice cream cone & 43 minutes of undivided attention, then it’s time to gush to the gals –
7. But you’re friends do not like them.
Not just one or two. All of them. The only people who might like your lover are the ones with questionable taste and a knack for bad decisions and I bet that’s all you need. While in denial of a shitty relationship, all you need is that one person to justify the looney tunes madness. But listen to your besties! Listen to your mama! Listen to your gut! You can’t dump all of the scenarios you deal with to your friends and expect them to like this person. They hate them because they know and love you. They believe their beautiful homegirl or boy deserves better.
8. They don’t like when you hang out with your friends (especially of opposite sex).
Why? Because of sign #7. That f*ck boy/girl knows your friends are giving you healthy relationship advice and they aren’t here for it. They also aren’t here for the slick side eyes your girls give him, because at the end of the day your bestie isn’t emotionally attached and sees this person for who they are – a bag of dicks. They’ll try to discredit your friends as being petty, jealous, or just trying to fuck (if they’re the opposite sex or within your sexual orientation). Your significant other might also like the spotlight on them at all times and fears when you give that to others during social events where the prospects are far and wide. The options are better, they know it and it terrifies them. Don’t make time for that kind of insecurity.
9. They’re convincing of why their problems are more important than yours.
This can be an article all by itself! But I’ll keep it short. If you come to them with problems that legitimately effect you, whether it relates to your personal life or the relationship in question, and instead of being a listening ear, a pillar of strength in your hour of need, they one-up you with their issues? Are they always the one who needs to be helped first? DIP. Your issues are not trivial and should be treated with same respect you would treat their problems.
10. They pity themselves.
Don’t waste time on someone with a lack of ambition. They don’t have to aspire to be the next Richard Branson or Oprah, but they should be doing something that will lead to their idea of success. Maybe they reached a fork in the road, or have to go back to school, they made some mistakes along the way. But instead of moving forward they dwell on it. If you suggest options that would help them reach their goals, or have to create one, but they give a list of excuses on why these suggestions are impossible, then leave them at their momma’s house.
11. They’re territorial.
You have been walking this earth long enough to know how to act right with people and you respect your partner enough to apply this to your relationship. However, whenever you enter a social situation you end up with a long lecture about your lack of respect from your boo thang.
12. They’re disrespectful when angered.
We all get a little heated in an argument and may have to apologize later on, but pay attention to what is being said. If your partner hits below the belt, keeps information to throw in your face later, or threatens you, know that that is not OK. Arguments are not supposed to be about tearing down the one you’re supposed to love. (And apologies mean nothing if this is repetitive.)
13. They only treat you how you want to be treated after an argument or breakup.
Shitty people will do whatever it takes to get that good thing back once you threaten to leave them or ignore them after a huge fight. They beg and grovel, rip their shirts open, pull their hair out, shout “STELLA!” outside of your bedroom window, write a poem on Facebook and tag all of your friends, hire Robin Thicke to perform the whole Paula album. Whatever it takes to get you back. And you swoon every, single, time. Why bother accepting their apology only for the drama to replay over and over again? They never realize the foundational issues, even if they repeat it back to you. If they did understand the error of their ways then it would not continue to happen.
14. You have faith that one day things will be okay.
You tolerate this behavior because you believe one day they will stop whenever [insert reason they gave you] happens. You think that this is only a rough patch and relationships are about ups and downs, it’s about being ride or die for the one you love. But if it’s been one big ass rough patch, then you need to cut your losses. Understand this: allowing poor treatment to persist only becomes learned behavior. Things will not get better, time will just go on. Don’t become the person that wasted their best years on a dud.
15. You want to settle down.
Your clock is ticking. You made a time table for your life. At 22 you intended to meet “the one,” get married by 25, and have your first child by 30. You’re best friend(s) are getting married and having babies. Whatever your reason is, please chill. Life doesn’t always work on a time table or go according to plan. Just because you met Jim or Kim at 25 and projected this person as the one you ought to shack up with doesn’t make it so. You cannot force love, you cannot force a connection. Sit out of the rat race, appreciate your value, and the right one will come along. Be patient.
16. You compare other relationships to your own.
Your parents have been married for thirty years, so have your grandparents, and aunts/uncles. You’re witnessing your friends post their happy ass love lives on all of the social media platforms. There is no escape. But you have no clue of the inner workings of those relationships. Your parents’ marriage is a byproduct of a totally different time period with different elements from your own. Everybody stunts on social media. Nobody’s posting about their actual shortcomings. You have no idea what people go through in their love lives so don’t compare your relationship to something you’re fictionalizing. Keeping up with the Joneses is mentally exhausting.
17. They’ve questioned your loyalty.
Similar to sign #11, but not just in social circumstances but at any moment. If you have to constantly explain your friendships to them, or list any and every friend you have, or explain your #MCM/#WCW… there are OTHER OPTIONS out here! You know in your heart that you are as loyal as they come. If they question you where is the respect? Be forewarned: this is a sign of infidelity. Anyone who has it in them to cheat can see you doing the same thing to them.
18. You break up but want to remain friends – and mean it.
Congrats on being strong enough to end the relationship, if you didn’t that is OH. KAY. TOO. That’s just God coming in and doing what needed to be done when you wasn’t strong enough too. The universe was at work, thank your lucky stars. But, you’re not ready for this person to be out of your life for good. You hit significant milestones with them, spent years with them, fought for them, they were your best friend, and the best sex you’ve ever had. I sincerely understand. But remaining friends with a person who mistreated you is like taking out only half of a malignant tumor. You’ll still die. You’re still keeping the same heartache in your life. You have to be strong enough to rip the band aid off completely. Reconnect with your friends, listen to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill repeatedly, get into charity work, do what you need to do to move on. Unfortunately, only time can heal this wound but you must trust your brain and be patient. Repeat: There is no room in your life for anyone who doesn’t realize your value.
19. You are lonely.
It all boils down to this: You have a fear of ending up alone and you currently feel lonely. Being in love is the greatest high in this life and companionship is human nature. Having someone and belonging to someone is fulfilling. That is why it is important to be single. You need time to learn more about how you work outside of someone else and you need to face your insecurities. Realizing your value and gaining self-love is the most criminally underrated awakening. The right partner will be attracted to your newfound positive energy and you will experience the fullest extent of love if you are kind to yourself and patient. Do not waste any more energy on broken individuals. Do not break up with someone just to end up in another relationship with the same kind of person. Instead, figure out why it is you attract these kind of people. Although they deserve to be held accountable for their actions, the common denominator is you. Once you break this cycle you will become a better partner for the one you are truly meant to end up with.