Inspired by the meteor shower that crushed Russia yesterday.
Terrence, the Part-Time Record Store Employee
Steve, the Investment Banker
Olivia, the Editor
Old Crazy Lady, the Old Crazy Lady
Scene: Saturday morning. A sidewalk in the East Village. TERRENCE, STEVE and OLIVIA are walking, each alone, in the same general direction along the busy city street. A bright light flashes across the sky.
The three run into a Laundromat. They hear screams in the distance. The meteorite breaks up in the sky, scattering space rock across the Manhattan skyline. OLD CRAZY LADY is in the Laundromat, singing to herself.
Olivia: What the hell is that?
Steve: Missile attack? Are we being attacked? Terrorists?
Terrence: If it’s an attack, odds are it’s probably the U.S. attacking ITSELF, y’know?
Terrence: Listen, watch a couple 9/11 truther videos and see what you think then. OK?
Olivia: No thank you.
Steve: Guys. Follow me. I know what to do. I’ve seen Deep Impact like nine times on cable.
Terrence: I always preferred Armageddon.
Steve: You know what?
Steve: You’re totally right.
Crazy Old Lady: Aliens are coming. I’ve said it for years. They told my toes and nobody listened to them.
A piece of the meteor strikes a building nearby. Everyone screams. Steve grabs Olivia’s arm.
Steve: What if she’s right?
Steve: The lady!
Olivia: The lady who said aliens talked to her toes?
Crazy Old Lady: Told you all! Nobody listened!
Terrence: Listen guys, I may only be a part-time record store employee, but I know that when the world is ending…
Steve: Wait a second.
Steve: How do you afford to live here?
Steve: You said you worked part-time at a record store. How do you afford to live here?
Olivia: No, I want to know too. How DO you afford to live in Manhattan?
Terrence: The world may be ending and you are interested in how I afford to live here?
Steve: It’s just like, I work 80 hours a week and sometimes I’M stretched thin. And I’ve always wondered how you guys, like, do it.
Crazy Old Lady: When the pig-bats come and eat your eyeballs, who will be laughing THEN?!
Terrence: I work too!
Olivia: You just said you were part time. It’s cool. We’re just, you know, we’re just curious.
Terrence: Well. I have a couple roommates, that cuts down on the costs.
An ambulance wails by. More screams.
Steve: OK. But, that like, covers part of it.
Terrence: And, well, you know, my parents send a couple bucks…
Steve, Olivia, Old Crazy Lady [in unison]: Ahhhhhh….
Terrence: It’s not like, a lot! They just…
Steve: Bro, no judgment.
Olivia: We were just curious.
Old Crazy Lady: I’m sure your parents are happy to help you get on your feet.
Terrence: Thanks, it’s just…WAIT. Stop it. I’m not letting the old crazy lady here patronize me. Plus the world is ending.
Old Crazy Lady: The pig-bat aliens are on their way, idiots!
Olivia: What should we do?
Terrence: OK, this may sound crazy. But I read about a system of secret tunnels that crisscross underneath New York. Maybe if we go down there, we can form a gang with other survivors and start a new civilization, made up of the strongest, best, brightest; a new society of people who are dedicated to creating a new, bold…
Olivia: Ah. Checked Twitter. It was a meteorite. But it’s over. We’re all good.
Steve [to Olivia]: So do you, like, want to get over this harrowing experience with a cup of coffee?
Terrence: What about me?
Olivia: Also nope.
Old Crazy Lady: Shut down, SUCKERS. Have fun when the pig-bats eat your eyeballs!