The Most Perfect Legally Binding Facebook Status Update To Protect Your Facebook Status Updates From Being Stolen By Facebook

Let the record show here that I, the undersigned, being of sound mind and disposition, who will now be heretofore referred to as “Me” or “The Guy Who Wrote This,” am posting something on my Facebook wall in regards to the new privacy policy heretofore referred to as the “Privacy Policy.” Heretofore.

Being that everything I post on Facebook was not ALWAYS posted in sound mind and disposition, I heretofore claim that all the material on my Facebook wall will remain in ownership unto me, and will not belong to Facebook, YouTube, Google, uh, Instagram, Pinterest, and anything else that I have may have forgotten, NOR any of their subsidiaries, if they have any of those.

Now that I have heretofore laid out, I want to especially stick a special fat Privacy notice, heretofore referred to as “Double Secret Whammy Privacy Stamp” on any pictures of me chugging beverages which may or may not have alcohol in them, or using or being around any illegal drugs including but not necessarily entailing marijuana, cocaine, or any other illicit materials heretofore referred to as “stuff potential bosses would frown upon, probably, if I ever got a job.”

With due action and consideration given to the above aforementioned “Privacy Policy”, I would also like to apply the “Double Secret Whammy Privacy Stamp” to any and all photographs of me, “The Guy Who Wrote This,” and any girls, specifically any photographs that my girlfriend, heretofore referred to as “The Girlfriend to the Guy Who Wrote This,” will get jealous about. This is left to the better judgment of the creators and administrators of Facebook, who I kindly ask to err on the side of safety. If it appears sketchy, best just apply the “Double Secret Whammy Privacy Stamp.”

This notice does NOT take into consideration that by using Facebook, which is a free service, “The Guy Who Wrote This” is accepting their terms and conditions. That would be logical under the law, which this lawyerly notice is not interested in. Instead, this random Facebook post will presume to stand above the law, and ignore the fact that if I really wanted to protect my privacy I would just delete my Facebook account.

This lawyerly notice heretofore refuses to address the hypocrisy of using a company’s product and then perpetually complaining about said product. This notice also refuses to acknowledge the argument that using Facebook 10 hours a day and complaining about it for eight of them is akin to washing your hair every day with bleach and then screaming how mad you are that your hair is yellow-green and falling out in patches.

Vis a vis, heretofore this privacy notice is binding law, and by generating up to four “Likes” on this post, will enter into a binding legal judgment re: the Goldstein-Lebow Ruling of 1982. Adjudged, viewed, and bonded by a court-ordered viewer of all Facebook material, heretofore signed on this day, the twenty-sixth of November, the year of our lord two thousand and twelve. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog