With the recent theft of a Picasso, a Gauguin, and others from a Dutch Museum, I was, once again, forced to confront the fact that I fucking love art heists. I know they are terrible. I know that most of the heists are committed by stupid people who can’t sell these paintings, and thus the art usually sits in their closet for years until eventually they are caught. I know they are robbing priceless treasures from the public. I know art heists are bad.
So are shark attacks, though. And just because shark attacks are bad doesn’t change the fact that I love Jaws and will continue to watch it every summer when it comes on SpikeTV or whatever.
And just because most art heists aren’t committed by handsome, sophisticated people doesn’t change the fact that I will always imagine them to be that way.
In any event, I want to build my own team for an art heist. I’m looking for specific people, here. And if you fit the criteria, I want you to get in touch with me. I am 35% serious about this.
The Front Man
I know in this art heist fantasy I should probably put myself as the sophisticated, dapper expert who leads the team. But let’s be real here. I own two suits and neither fit me all that well. My knowledge of art extends to a B- I got in Art History junior year of college. (God damn Ionic Columns screwed me on the first test.) I have tried slicking my hair back, but I look a bit like a wet capybara when I do so.
SO, I need a front man. Or woman. You have to be really confident, dress impeccably, and know more about art than anyone. You should also probably have a British accent. And be able to seduce whatever police person is chasing us. Also, you should be a millionaire, so you can appreciate the art you’ve stolen. I figure this will be the easiest person to find in the group.
We’re going to need someone to hack the mainframe of the security system. You should be a bit slovenly dressed , but also, somehow, a little OCD. You have to be prepared to crack your fingers, slide over in a roll-y chair, and type really fast when we decide to do something, because that’s always totally sweet when techie people do that in movies. If you’re a girl and can do all this, especially the finger cracking part, I think it could be really awesome and also put a twist on what’s expected out of our art heist group.
Like all good things, we’re going to need some beef for this project. When something goes wrong, I need someone I know is going to keep their head on a swivel, be ready to throw down, and preferably weigh somewhere above 260 pounds. If you could have a Russian accent, I think that’d also be pretty neat and could provide some nice moments of comic levity.
This is going to be my role on the art heist team, I think. I’m the young guy, eager to make a first impression. Everyone else on the team will call me “the kid”, and at one point, when something needs to be done, the front man will turn to the crew and say “Should we give the kid a chance?” And they’ll all smile wryly and then the music will pick up and we’ll launch into a real live musically-accompanied montage. THIS WILL HAPPEN.
We need someone to drive the getaway car. I don’t really need much more than someone who is an awesome driver. If you were a former professional NASCAR driver, though, I think that could be a cool twist.
The Wild Card
NEED a wild card. Some shady person who has to fill in at the last second. Doesn’t really speak all that much. None of us know if we can trust this guy. And at one point I’ll run up to our Front Man/Woman and be like, “How can we trust this guy?!” and he/she’ll be all like, “What other choice do we GOT?”
And right before we do the heist, we’ll find out something crazy about the Wild Card, like he’s a former police officer or he’s actually the SON of the painter whose artwork we’re about to steal. And then we’ll have to make a last second decision about whether or not to go ahead with the plan, and someone will say something awesome like, “We’ve come too damn far…” and then we’ll all do it anyway.
So yeah, this one might be a little harder to find. But if you are a former police officer and/or the son/daughter of a famous painter, and have a flexible enough schedule that you could fill in on an art heist at the last minute…shoot me a DM on Twitter or something. Let’s set this up.
So, there it is. If I’m missing anyone from my team, please let me know. And if you fit any of these descriptions, get at me. There’s art out there to steal.