Every time I watch a certain type of movie, or network TV, or (most importantly) beer advertisements, I am presented with ideas about what makes a perfect woman. Or, well, a perfect woman in the eyes of the Red Blooded American Male. And what’s so funny — to me, at least — is that these women often have traits that I am totally not attracted to in real life. Often the opposite of what I’m attracted to. I’m not explaining this well. Hopefully the list will do that.
So here it is, the type of girls that pop culture tells me I’m supposed to find attractive, but who I don’t actually, you know, find all that attractive.
1. The girl who knows an unreasonable amount about sports.
We see this girl in sitcoms a lot, and in nearly every beer ad. She’s holding a Lite Beer, wearing the Official Team Jersey of the team she’s supporting. She knows batting averages and where the Raiders inside linebacker went to college. We see the logic: Guys love sports. Hell, I love sports. A lot. So we must like girls who know a ton about sports, right?
I do not like girls who know a ton about sports. Why? For the same reason I do not like guys who know a ton about sports. They tend to be know-it-alls, they tend not to be able to talk about anything outside of sports, and there seems to be a weird “To Prove To You How Cool I Am And How Much I Know About Sports, I Am Going To Learn The Slugging Percentage of Every Member of the 1993 Baltimore Orioles” thing going on, which is bizarre and semi-psychotic. I like talking about sports a little. I also like talking about music, and art, and fiction, and politics. I do not like talking about sports all the time. It gets weird. For everyone.
2. The flirty bartender.
The flirty bartender has been in nearly every TV commercial for beer/ liquor over the last 20 years. The scene: a group of guys, usually in matching suits or similar flannels, walks up to a bar. One of them does the pointing thing at one of their bros. Then, as they sidle up to the bar, the bartender, who is the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen, stares up at them and gives them a look that conveys “I am ready to hop over this bar and engage in multiple-party sexual intercourse with every single one of you. Right now. This is happening.”
Why would I want to date a human being who is ready to hop in bed for multiple-party sexual intercourse with any group of males that orders Miller Lite? Why do we find this attractive? How is a relationship with this woman possibly sustainable?
3. The sassy bartender.
This is the impossibly hot bartender in beer ads who, when a male orders a drink that she does not find appropriately masculine, immediately eviscerates the dude with some witty remark that basically calls him out for being a pussy. She does this because he is not drinking whatever drink that commercial is advertising.
First off, and I hate to get rude here, but can you please just bring me my drink? I’m paying American dollars for this beverage. And you know what? Sometimes, after a long day at the office, I like to relax with a glass of Pinot Gris. Sometimes that Coconut Mojito looks absolutely refreshing on a hot day. I am sorry I did not order whatever masculine beer you’re advertising. But it does not turn me on for you to emasculate me in front of my group of fellow matching-suit-wearing or matching-flannel-wearing friends.
4. The girl who only hangs with the guys.
Call me out here for being insensitive or close-minded, but I like when my girlfriend has her own friends. Of course I totally am down with a girl who can hang with my friends, and I think it’s vitally important that my girlfriend does so. But this idea of a girl who “only hangs out with the guys” is weird.
(Related: I also don’t get this expression that I’ve heard several times — whenever I watch football in crowded bars — in which a guy will describe a perfect girl as being “like a dude, except hot, who I can fuck.” The implication here is that this gentleman is looking for a girl who hangs out with his friends all day, drinks beer and plays video games and discusses the slugging percentages of the 1993 Baltimore Orioles, and at the end of the day they get to have sex. This does not appeal to me. I don’t want a girl who is like a guy in this way.)
(SPECIAL NOTE TO THE PC POLICE. Please know I am not talking here about girls who have masculine physical traits, or making any commentary on gender identity in any way. I am talking specifically about girls who exist in sitcoms who spend all their time chugging beer, playing video games, and hanging with meathead bros.)
5. The “funny” girl.
I am not talking about girls who have a good sense of humor, which is probably the number one thing I look for in a woman. I’m talking about the girl who exists, usually in sitcoms on CBS, only to make jokes. Nothing serious has ever been said by this girl. She is a perpetual wisecracker. She makes light of any situation. (She also usually has large breasts, I’ve noticed, in these shows, but I don’t know why that is.)
People who only make jokes are exhausting. Male or female. This is seen as optimal in pop culture, I think, because dudes are trained not to want to have “serious talks.” But, c’mon, enough is enough. I do not want a partner in life who is cracking jokes when we’re watching the climactic half hour of Schindler’s List. Give it a rest.
6. The fuck buddy.
Several rom-coms have tackled this recently, but it’s been a pop culture staple for years. This idea that dudes all over the world are only looking for a fuck buddy, someone who they can have sex with without consequence or feelings. This is viewed as the premiere achievement by men, the finding of this girl.
As someone who may have stumbled into a relationship or two like this in my past, let me say: they are wonderful. For a week or two. Maybe a month. And then it gets absolutely debilitating. The morning after self-loathing hangs in the room like a wet fog. Neither of you care about each other, it feels gross, and you both feel trapped in a Groundhog-Day-like state of emotional stasis. Don’t believe me? Try it. Call me in six weeks and tell me how you feel.
7. The girl who drinks more than I do.
We see this in ads and movies all the time — the girl who proves her prowess to a guy by out-drinking him.
Girls who can put down a whiskey are sexy. I like that. But a girl who rips off nine scotches in a row at the bar? That’s just alcoholism. Plain and simple. No thanks.
8. The girl who wants to have sex perpetually.
This is another type that the male American species supposedly finds as the pinnacle of women. (We mostly see her in pornography, but a lot of times in more mainstream pop culture.) These women are ready to go at the drop of the hat. Doesn’t matter when/where. Reading the morning paper? Boom. Re-tiling the bathroom? Put down the grout and get over here. Filing tax-returns? Lay me down on that W-9. Doesn’t matter what the situation. They are ready to go.
I love sex. Adore it. One of my top things to do. But at the same time, I also enjoy reading. Watching movies. Listening to an old record. This idea of the woman who is ready and eager to go 24/7 sounds, well, it sounds exhausting. “I love you babe, but we’ve gone twice already and frankly it’s starting to hurt down there. And I’ve got the new Junot Diaz all lined up here, and I’ve been pretty psyched to read it… and, OK, OK, I guess we’re going again. OK.” Does that sound fun?
9. The girl who can beat me in arm wrestling.
This was in a beer commercial I saw recently. Some smoking hot girl beats a dude in arm wrestling and everyone in the bar cheers.
There’s nothing wrong with this girl, actually. I’m just pretty insecure about my upper body strength.