Who Will Be The Secret Guest At The DNCs Tonight?

***SATIRE***

As the Democratic National Convention kicks off this evening, we here at Thought Catalog felt it fitting to share the exclusive transcript we have from high level DNC staffers as they planned for the event. The following conversation took place in DNC Headquarters last week.

Chicago.

Senior Staffer: OK, we got the feed coming in live. Remember everyone, everything the Republicans do, we have to do better next week. So get out your notepads and let’s figure out how we can wow the country.

Junior Staffer #1: Got it, boss.

Junior Staffer #2: Roger. Intern! Turn the volume up.

Intern:  OK.

Senior Staffer: Alright, alright. Usual shots of the crowd. Bright colors. Balloons. Do we have balloons for next week?

Junior Staffer #1: Yes. Tons of balloons.

Senior Staffer: How many?

Junior Staffer #1: Tons. A whole lot.

Senior Staffer: …How… many?

Junior Staffer #2: I’ll find that out for you.

Intern: Ah, look, Clint Eastwood.

Senior Staffer: WHAT? They got Eastwood!? The secret guest?! Good lord. Now WE need to get a secret guest!

Junior Staffer #1: I’ll call Robert DeNiro.

Senior Staffer: I can’t believe they got Eastwood. Dirty Harry. Tough guy personified. They got him, and now we have NOTHING, and everything is going to be ruined, and I am NOT going to be the one who has to call Axelrod and tell him we have…

Junior Staffer #1: What is he…

Junior Staffer #2: Is he talking… to a chair?

Intern: Ha.

Senior Staffer: He is… he is arguing with a chair. OK. OK. OK. OK. What do we do here? How do we top this? Ideas! I need ideas! Go!

Junior Staffer #1: Uh, we get, uh, Betty White singing to an ottoman.

Senior Staffer: Too obvious. More!

Junior Staffer #2: We get Maggie Smith to have brunch with a hammock.

Senior Staffer: Hm. You might be on to something there…

Junior Staffer #1: Isn’t Maggie Smith British?

Senior Staffer: God damnit you’re right. She won’t work! I need more!

Junior Staffer #1: Christopher Plummer gets caught in the rain with a footstool.

Junior Staffer #2: Cloris Leachman co-signs a lease with a chaise longue.

Senior Staffer: I need more!

Junior Staffer #1: Gene Hackman plays touch football with an accent table!

Senior Staffer: We’re so close! I can taste it!

Junior Staffer #2: SIDNEY POITIER POLKA DANCES WITH A TASTEFULLY DESIGNED, DEEP MAHOGANY VANITY WITH ACCOMPANYING TILT MIRROR AND ANTIQUE BENCH!!!!

Senior Staffer: Call Axelrod! We got it! WE GOT IT!

Intern: Guys?

Senior Staffer: Get on the phone with Pier One! Call Poitier!

Intern: Guys? Hello?

Junior Staffer #1:  I’ve got Poitier’s agent on the phone!

Intern: GUYS!

Staffers (in unison): What?!

Intern: I’m looking at Twitter. Everyone thinks Eastwood looks stupid. They’re making fun of it.

Senior Staffer: …Oh.

Intern: Yeah, there’s a whole “Eastwooding” meme. People think it’s dumb.

Senior Staffer: Oh. Well, that’s good to know.

Junior Staffer #2: So, should I stay on the line with Pier One, or… no. Probably not. Got you. TC Mark

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