In attendance: Seamus, Philip, Terrence, Vikram, Steve, Harriet, Pam, Gregor, Lisa.
Seamus: Alright everyone. Alright. Let’s get settled… thanks. Really appreciate you all joining me today. I know with our wildly busy, stressful jobs, it’s hard to carve out time to meet.
Bead of silence, followed by raucous laughter.
Seamus: Man… whew. Good stuff. But seriously thanks for closing down Facebook for ten minutes to join me here.
Phillip: Anything for you, boss!
Seamus: Alright. Let’s start off the meeting by making sure everyone has ordered. Has everyone ordered?
Vikram: Think so.
Seamus: Good, good. But, um, Garçon, just in case, bring another round of foie gras. And not the cheap stuff either. I want real deal stuff, OK? I want to taste the tears of that goose.
Waiter: Of course, sir.
Seamus: Wonderful. So, I guess that’s a good transition to the first order of business for the meeting. And that is I’d like us all to take a moment to recognize Gregor and the Business Development team for securing more grant money from The Secret Barack Obama Keep-The-Elite-East-Coast-Liberal-Media-Shockingly-Well-Funded Fund. Great work guys!
Harriet: Chin chin!
Gregor: Who needs more champagne?
Group: We do!
Seamus: Great stuff. Really great stuff… Man. Pass that champagne down here. OK. OK. Great. Well, wish we could ONLY sit here and feast on goose liver and drink champagne, but we got some real work to do.
Sounds of note paper getting out, general shuffling.
Seamus: OK, let’s run through each department and get updates.
Harriet: Good call, sir.
Terrence: Uh, yeah. Well, sir, um, we’re a little concerned with bandwidth. One of the servers…
Seamus: OKAY nerds, good update. We look forward to you guys fixing it. Next up, um, let’s go to our Managing Editor of Ryan Gosling content. Phillip, how’s the Gos stuff coming in?
Phillip: Flowing in like the god damn River Nile, sir.
Seamus: That’s what I’m talking about, Phillip! See that guys? See? This is how we succeed. Right there. And what are your readership numbers like this month?
Phillip: Not sure, sir. With the last article about Gosling and a baby seal, we, um, we maxed out Google Analytics.
Seamus: Maxed it out? You broke Google?
Phillip: Busted ‘er, sir. My Macbook Pro just started smoking. Someone from Google called and asked me if I was a cyber-terrorist.
Seamus: Hot damn. Look at that. Wow. See that everyone? What do people like? Ryan Gosling. What stories does Phillip go and get us? Stories about Ryan Gosling.
Seamus: ALRIGHT. Next up, Managing Editor of 90s Nostalgia, Pam!
Pam: Hey guys. So, running a few stories this week.
Seamus: Give us one you’re really excited about.
Pam: Well, the one I’m really jazzed about is by one of our most popular writers, and it’s called “How Living in New York City as an Independent 20-Year-Old is EXACTLY like Clarissa Explains it All …Except When It’s Like The Adventures of Pete and Pete (A Top 20 List) (Hosted by Marc Summers.)”
Bead of silence. Seamus stands up.
Seamus: I think I speak for all of us here when I say… Bra. Vo.
Seamus begins a slow clap, which grows around the room. Spontaneous cheers come from the table.
Vikram: What. A. Title.
Phillip: I’m semi-erect.
Phillip: I’m… yep, now I’m fully erect.
Seamus: Pam, I’m getting choked up, here. I’m shaking. I’m… I’m just. Wow. What a title!
Pam: Thanks, boss.
Seamus: I trust you’ve already collaborated with Vikram, our Managing Editor of Articles about Being Young and Living in New York City, and Harriet, our Managing Editor of Lists and Other Short Things That People Like Reading on the Internet?
Pam: Story just came in today, sir, but really looking forward to working with both of them on it.
Vikram: I speak for Harriet when I say that we are both really excited to work with you on this.
Seamus: Fantastic. Fantastic. Well, it sounds like we’re all wrapped up here, and I see the foie gras is…
Seamus: Oh! Oh, Lisa! Didn’t even see you over there! We can’t forget you. Guys, please, let’s give our attention to our Managing Editor of All Non-Gosling-or-90s-Nostalgia-or-NYC-Guides-or-Lists Content, Lisa. Whatcha working on, Lis?
Lisa: Thanks. Some really beautiful, original stories coming in this week.
Lisa: Well, one is about a young girl in her twenties, and she has a great aunt, who is from Tunisia, and has Alzheimer’s… the great aunt does, not the girl, and it’s really, um, sad and good.
Seamus: Oh. OK. Great.
Lisa: And, and another. A fantastic confession of a young man who used to torture animals in his youth, and how he’s like, come to grips with that. And, well yeah.
Seamus: …Wonderful. Fantastic. Sounds really great. And how are your readership numbers?
Lisa: You know, we’re really getting there. Up to 132 for the last one. And it’s really nice. We all have a Google Group, the readers and me. And Sheila is hosting a potluck next Thursday for some of the regulars.
Seamus: …Delightful. We love what you’re doing over there, Lisa. And tell that reader… Shauna?
Seamus: Sheila. Tell her to spread the word.
Lisa: Of course.
Seamus: And Lisa?
Seamus: We value you.
Lisa: Uh, OK?
Seamus: Now who wants to taste some duck suffering?
Instant applause. Whistles. Cheers. High fives around the table.
Phillip: There’s that boner again!