Thought Catalog

Instagramming Your Way To Relevancy

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Recently, scientists made history by taking a 26-year-old writer and, through an experimental procedure, put his entire being through an Instagram filter. These interviews were conducted before and after the procedure.

Your name?

Before: Nate Scott.

After: They call me Alfónso… just Alfónso.

Where are you from?

Before: I live in Washington, DC.

After: I reside in the District.

We’re going to show you some colors, and we’d like for you to identify them:

Before: …Red… Blue…Yellow…Orange…Green…Brown…Black…Purple.

After: …Ruddy…Cerulean…Goldenrod…Saffron…Emerald…Sepia…Midnight…Aubergine.

What music do you like to listen to?

Before: I listen to mostly indie rock, with a lot of hip hop thrown in. Some of my all-time favorites are Spoon, Deerhunter, and Madvillain. I can also get down with house and dubstep if the mood is right. Put me at a football game with a cold beer and hell, I’ll even listen to country. I consider myself a guy who can rock out to anything.

After: The Drive soundtrack on repeat.

Can you describe the last time you had sex?

Before: Um, I met a girl. We got along pretty well. We went back to my place. We had sex. In the morning, I called her a cab.

After: The wipers smeared the tears off the windshield of the black town car. Our fingers touched, fleetingly, in anticipation of the moment to come. The lighting in my house was dark, and only one part of the bedroom was lit, and the rest of the room was blurry in an erotic yet tasteful way. A hazy red tinge hung over us. Our bodies became one, lit up like fireworks in the night sky. At dawn, another driver came to take her to parts unknown, the car seeming to mock me with a dismissive acceleration down the boulevard.

What do you like doing in your free time?

Before: I play soccer a bit, like to watch movies a lot. Reading. Have a drink with my friends. You know, the usual.

After: I stare wistfully over airplane wings at the expanse of clouds below. I do this on the transatlantic flights I take perpetually. TC mark

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Poetry that will change you

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

You’ve never read poetry like this before

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Instagramming Your Way To Relevancy is cataloged in , , , , ,
  • khungchiuming13

    Reblogged this on Never Stop Learning. and commented:
    …I have to learn to write like this.

  • Nick


  • CherryMountains

    This is hilarious! Thank you for brightening my day :-).

  • Dogmudgeon

    Advice to Young (i.e., Unpublished) Writers:

    Murder your darlings. Then sodomize their corpses. Then cannibalize the remains.

  • Katie B

    this is great

  • N

    :) great

  • Psychedilio

    And the moral of the story is, Instagram makes you a pretentious douchebag.

  • Rachel

    So unfortunately true.


    um okay so am I the only person who thinks this is shit?

    I mean for reals, the whole ‘Instagram Gives People A False Sense of Sophistication’ card is so overplayed.

    • modjadjimashatola

      Doesn’t stop it from being funny though.

  • Tom

    My guesses: Lomo-fi, Sutro, Kelvin, Nashville, Earlybird, and a combo Walden + X-Pro II.

    • Nathan Scott

      Nailed it.

  • Suraiya Sarwar

    This is hilarous!

  • raymondthimmes

    I see what you did there…

  • jk

    Oh your intention has been illuminated… like the sudden burst of flame from a lighter elucidating the lonely expanse of velvet night.

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    […] Two of my favorite ladies, Broadway miss Julia Mattison and Thought Catalog’s own Sydney Nikols star in this HILARIOUS parody song about the prolific Instagrammers in your life. […]

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