1. It’s not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn’t make it easy for us to get to it. It’s hours away. Wait, it’s a flight away? Are you serious? Haven’t been on vacation in years, but we’re gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don’t want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what’s one of the first things he says? ‘Why don’t you come to my house?’ Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we’ll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn’t the best place to express your love for each other, but we’ll be there.
2. It’s too far in advance.
You’re in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. ‘Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It’s gonna be great!’ How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don’t have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don’t like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don’t like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
“6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what’ll be going on then.”
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We’re in.
3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It’s out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We’ve wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She’s great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we’re going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We’ll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, ‘Hey, I’ll take that garter.’ That won’t look good, so we’re staying away.
4. We want to sleep with the groom.
Yep. It’s out of the bag. We want to sleep with the groom. We’ve been hiding it well, but we’re actually gay. We’ve been looking at the groom for years now. He’s always smiling. Telling great stories. He was getting out of a car one time in bike shorts and a ball fell out. Well, that cinched it. We wanted to see the other one. We do want to see him in that tux looking all cute, but we can’t deal with the fact that he’s marrying a damn woman! It’s so hard to get a straight man to leave these women alone we’ve noticed. We won’t be at the wedding, but we will be there to listen to all your ‘Man, marriage sucks!’ stories, hoping that you’ll get drunk enough to take your pants off.
5. It’s on a Sunday, and we can’t wear sweatpants.
Your wedding is never in the middle of the week. Nobody books a ‘hump day’ wedding. There’s no ‘Tying the Knot Tuesday!’ Always on a Sunday. Sundays are for chilling. Chilling is for sweatpants. Unless you have some sort of wrestling theme to your festivities, chances are we have to put on dress pants. Men don’t like putting on dress pants on days that they want to chill. Dress pants are the opposite of chill.