It’s the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.
1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you’ve been in an accident, letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or ‘hey, you up?’ at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone, “don’t ever text me again, we’re done” is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can’t end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing, “We’re Done!” on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
2. Writing ‘We’re Done!’ on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It’s fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you’ve just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?
3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don’t get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they’re away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you’re giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?
4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you’re going to propose, and saying, “Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?”
You’re allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What’s wrong with it? She gets some camera time, you’re outside enjoying the air, there’s a BASEBALL game. What’s the big deal? Plus, I’m sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, “Wow. That girl’s beautiful. And she’s single!” You’re letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It’s free advertising!
5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don’t want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriend’s dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they’ll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That’s when you say it’s because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.
6. Yelling, “We’re done!” while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you’ve started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What’s the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream ‘I’ve had enough!’ while you speed past. You’ve killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.
7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can’t call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OKCupid.”Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?”By calling them and ending it, you’re being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you’d never clicked on their profile. And if they don’t answer, feel free to leave a short message telling them what’s wrong with them.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small; why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you’re drinking. And you didn’t have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.
9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you’re at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn’t get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin who has been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You’ve had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, “Look. I didn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I’m out, and I’m taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four-year-old. Isn’t there a children’s table?” So you ruined a family’s Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit merrier.