Every year in the United States, beaucoups and beaucoups of people die on accident. This is no surprise. It is rather surprising to see just how many people are meeting their maker with especially inglorious fates. Whatever maker you believe in, (S)he definitely looks back with anything from a rather vehement face palm to pensive emoji face every time one of these discretion-lacking souls introduce themselves. You’ve been warned.
1. Getting hit by trains.
Literally hundreds of people die every year from being hit by massive steel vehicles traveling at high velocity on a set path. Maybe some of them are pure freak accidents, but come on. It’s not like the thing can chase you down or do anything that unpredictable. You can simply not be located on the <0.0000000001% of earth that the train is on in the same place at the same time to avoid this demise. The Australian Metro authority even made this ridiculousy catchy song and video to explain how easy it is to not die this way.
2. Getting killed by your pets.
If you decide to be the proud owner of an apex predator like a tiger or anaconda or some shit no one will feel bad for you when it inevitably slaughters you and your children. You probably don’t have any children because you’re way too fucking weird for anybody in their right mind to want to procreate with you anyway, so you’ll die alone. Your chimpanzee that just ripped your eyes and nose out of your head does not count as family either.
3. Falling off shit.
Anybody can fall down, I get that. There are also many construction workers, roofers, etc, whose career constant puts them one false step away from the whims of gravity. Falling takes 15,000 lives every year (on the low end) and these people as well as the elderly make up a good percentage of those. Those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking to the dumb shits that try to jump into the pool from the upstairs bedroom window. Don’t be the guy that gets drunk and leans over the upper deck to catch a fly ball that’s landing 40 feet below you.
Don’t be the girl that gets locked out of her apartment and tries to scale the façade of your building to your fifth story balcony. It isn’t worth it, yet dozens of people continue to die this way. Every. Year. It’s not even that you’ve decided to go on top of a tall structure, it’s that you’ve decided to go to the top and make your precarious-ass way directly to the edge, and off of it.
4. Alcohol poisoning.
Get your shit together. Being drunk is kinda fun. It can enhance whatever activity you’re doing at the same time. Being drunk is not the activity. If you are a teen or 20-something that is too dumb to know the difference yet, you’re at especially high risk here. If you’re too stupid or ignorant to avoid this senseless fate you’re also probably lucky that one of the other methods on this list hasn’t picked you off already.
5. Hazing incidents
Many of these deaths overlap with alcohol poisoning, but it deserves its own category because hazing is a special kind of stupid. There has been at least one hazing death on college campuses nationwide for close to 50 years. I was even in a greek organization, so I can sympathize with these kids on some level. The “Remember that time we had to strip down to our underwear and sing Backstreet Boys in the Alpha Phi front lawn” variety is completely harmless and completely hilarious. But this new generation of kids has no chill.
Drinking eight 40 ounces of OE in half an hour doesn’t prove how much young Walter wants to be a part of your shitty organization. Also see: Beating the shit out of 18 year olds with paddles, shoving disgusting food into his/her face holes, and sodomizing or sexually assaulting people. If you do any of this, you deserve to go to prison immediately and I hope your moronic ass videotaped it so there is no doubt in the jurors’ minds. The good news for all you potential victims out there is that you don’t have to be present at these idiotic rituals and voila, you’ll live.
Ask yourself if an intelligent person acting independently would want to be part of a group that makes its members chug keg Natural Light through their rectums? Once you’ve taken this moment to reflect, don’t. When you see your would-have-been brothers on the news for date raping people two semesters from now, you’ll be thankful you didn’t.
6. Texting and driving.
Don’t. Do. This. Unless of course you want your Chevy Suburban to run head on into a tractor trailer and burst into confetti with you and your loved ones inside of it. Even if you don’t die or kill anyone if you text and drive, you are an asshole. Enough said.
A staggering amount of people are injured every year due to these miniature color bombs, and a handful of these folks don’t live to tell their assuredly idiotic stories. We all love fireworks, but if you can’t stay at least kind of sober you really should just leave it to the professionals. When most people hear of something horrible happening as the result of a drunk ass trying to operate these fun sized explosives, they usually feel bad for the victim’s family, but not the victim.
7. Putting obscure things into holes of which they don’t belong.
It was hard to find exact statistics on how many people die every year from complications involving depraved activities with light bulbs and pickles (and pickle jars), but it’s clear that what can only be described as an alarming number of bizarre human beings are treated every day for some pretty inexplicable injuries, and death by too much in butt is real. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of having a so-called friend showing you Mr. Hands or Kids in the Sandbox then you know how extreme these cases can be. If you are prepared to face your own mortality by making a two liter bottle full of baby gerbils disappear I’m willing to guess continuing to be alive is not at the top of your priority list anyhow.
8. Autoerotic asphyxiation.
This form of self-pleasure ends the lives of up to 1000 people every year. That’s one-zero-zero-zero. While I can’t speak first hand on the subject, I do imagine there are better ways of enhancing your orgasm. For example, in a very highly unofficial statistic I came up with after several minutes on google, it is quite possible that autoerotic asphyxiation actually causes more deaths in the US than crystal methamphetamine overdose. Like, wtf? What if we spoke of jacking off while choking yourself in the same way? “You heard what happened to Reggie, man? Tight scarves and wanking are destroying our communities. Yeah, it’s a damn shame.”
9. Vending machines.
Apparently vending machines are about 400% more deadly than sharks and kill as many as 13 people in any given year. Who knew? Be careful y’all.