Everyone has or has had a friend that is with someone they have absolutely no future with. Let’s be honest, you’re in one of those relationships right now and have been for months, maybe years(!), which is why you clicked on this in the first place. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get one thing straight: You’re not leaving him/her anytime soon, and here’s why you have it figured out better than all of us other equally miserable single people.
1. It’s too much effort.
You are emotionally fragile. Or have a bunch of other important shit going on more important than the person you’ve decided to bang exclusively. Or are probably just flat out lazy – the rest of us are, we understand. That’s how you got in this position in the first place. You keep making other shit more important. We’re all natural procrastinators. It’s not easy to deal with this kind of shit. Actually, it’s easier to deal with the daily grind of fucking yourself over by spending another hour in hell with the person spilling Dorito crumbs all over your sofa right now that no longer even takes the effort to shave or smell good or be nice or do anything remotely likable or attractive anymore. You’ll have to, like, spend 45 minutes getting your shit out of his/her place if you just broke it off. That’s 45 minutes you could have spent reading your phones in silence together. It isn’t easy, and you want to path of least effort. We get it.
2. You’ll have to act sad.
Because, you know, all those people of whose opinions are so paramount to your personal happiness will like judge you if you actually talk to that hot barista you’ve had your eye on the last six months only two days after breaking up. You’ll automatically be a slut, or a dirtbag, and will be completely undate-able for the rest of your life as such. And then there are your parents and co-workers and uncountable others who will pretend to be concerned when they learn things didn’t work out with you and your ex. Basically you’ll never be able to be happy again for like a month. Woe is you if you end things now. Might as well string it out for another five months and end things as far from amicably as possible.
3. You think you’ll miss him/her.
Valid point! You’ll get lonely and send late night texts. Why put yourself through the whole queasy break up when that’s your destiny? You can have all the benefits of the late night text now, plus you have to put up with his/her ever-expanding ass the rest of the week! There’s not another fish in the big sexy sea out there that could make you so content to be so, so miserable as the sweaty necked sack of skin you’re with now. Be honest, you can’t walk away from that.
4. Because why be with someone if you have to give a fuck to fuck?
Frankly, the way that you got here is because you stopped trying at some point. There’s a reason you no longer fap to one another and you’re attitude towards sex is, “let’s go ahead and get this out of the way.” If you don’t think you stopped trying, your partner can definitely help you pinpoint a few things. Like the unsightly back or leg hair that at some point you just decided to let go until a special occasion. Or how you wear sweatpants on nights out? Or the 15 lbs you’ve put on? Or how you are now stuck in a miasma of fart you let out a minute ago that is currently peeling the paint of the walls in your shared studio apartment? Do I need to keep going? Didn’t think so. Care to get your shit together? Hell no, you’re going to ride this thing out until the wheels fall off and leave the trying to us other suckas.
5. It’s a scary world outside.
We’ve already established you’ve been with the current hump for far too long already. Shit, you’ve had the notion to break up with him/her for quite some time already but have held it uncomfortably in like a turd until the urge simply disappeared. Now your relation is constipation. You’re stuck in a shitty situation. You know what’s shittier? The next three months after you cut it off. There’s not enough time in the day to try and find someone better. You’re a tried and true creature of habit, and you no longer have any good habits. It took you years to find the hump you’re with already and start mailing it in, and breaking it off just means years more of rolling the dice on the other gremlins out there. Don’t put yourself through that. Grow wrinkly and gelatinous and miserable and sexless, together, with your current excuse for a significant other. Or cheat. It’ll be for the better.