1. The One Upper
This dickhead’s compulsive need to tell anyone in earshot how much greater their life is probably stems from an unloved childhood or constant fear of rejection. Had fun out on the town last weekend? Well I hope you like how they became part of Pitbull’s posse at the playboy mansion. That’s an awesome vacation to Florida you have planned, until they tell you all about their upcoming trip to Rio. Oh, you were a pretty good high school lacrosse player, but he was All-American.
Use them : Don’t go against the grain. Stroke the ego. Tell them how much more significant they are than the rest of us plebs. When the time comes to do that thing that nobody wants to do, they’ll be too buttered up to deny only they are the man/woman for the job. You’ll hear about it for a while, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing they were doing something tedious while you were at happy hour.
2. The Cynic
This asshole instantly sucks the air out of any room they step in, and if there was a group having a spirited discussion about fantasy football or whatever other boring shit people in the office talk about, they quickly disperse. They will quickly turn even the best of news into a shitstorm of negativity. You got a promotion? Great, good luck doing more work. You’re pregnant? Wow that must be awful. You won the lottery? Statistically you’ll be miserable soon.
Use them: All of us have planned something and our rose colored lenses overlooked the obvious pitfall that inevitably occurred. Run your over-the-top wedding proposal or newest scheme for world domination by the cynic before it takes flight to ensure you’re protected against the worst of the worst.
3. The Overachiever
This worker bee can’t stop setting the bar ever higher for the rest of use, which is perfectly ok for them since they get to do more. The type of human being that gets things done before the deadline and makes you feel like even more shit when they offer to help out. How do they, like, do all that? Does their day magically have more hours? Do they sleep? Am I just a turd? They’re destined to be a great upper manager, but for now they just make you go home and take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself those impossible questions.
Use them: If you’ve ever been blessed enough to be in a group project with one of these types you know the incredible power waiting to be harnessed. You’ll have to live with the guilt of knowing you didn’t pull your own pathetic weight, but tbh you’ll cancel that out with the comfort of knowing they enjoyed doing it anyway.
4. The Frenemy
This shrew is always in search of the latest nugget, usually revolving around who is banging whom and using this information to position themselves strategically in the office phylum. She/he will corner you into thinking your information is safe, and turn around and use it as currency to trade with any and all other co-workers with their own juicy secrets.
Use them: This is a tricky tightrope. They are professional manipulators, so you’ll have to beat them at their own game. If not navigated carefully this is a very slippery slope, but if you can feed them just enough to gain access to get a little dirt on them and maybe some other frenemies, you can definitely come out on top.
5. The Attention Whore
This black hole bitch is always sucking up everyone else’s shine. There’s a personal fucking crisis every breathing moment and everyone must know all about it. Do not cross this person because you will get turned into an example for everyone to see.
Use them: This is your chance to fly under the radar. Let them do what comes naturally, and while everyone else is caught up in their soap opera Get. Shit. Done. By the time there’s a lull in the action you’ll be so far ahead of the game people will have no choice but to notice your productivity, for all the right reasons.
6. The Flake
You’ve been left stranded at the bar several times when this sack of shit said they were definitely coming to happy hour, and subsequently ditched your ass when they got ‘tired’ which is code for their candy crush game took precedent over you. They probably even invited you in the first place. They’re everyone’s friend from 9 to 5, but the most undependable jackass you’ve ever met from 5 to 9.
Use them: Of course, they’re the opposite of the guy that always asks to hang out, but no one ever really wants around. Use the flake as an excuse to not accept this guy’s unwanted advances, since you know any commitment with the flake is not worth the breath you expended asking.
7. The Mooch
F this cheapskate. Every time you’re out and the bill is about to come, they squirm out. The type that says they’re not hungry when the pizza’s being ordered but asks to eat the leftovers. They’ll always ‘hit you back.’ Of course, in the rare event that they do cover your tab voluntarily they’ll remind everyone of the $7 they so generously gave the next time it’s time to split the check. This person would have you believe they are perpetually broke, but always has new shoes/new bag/whatever’s new.
Use them There’s really no way to win with the mooch other than winning everyone else over (trust me, they’ve noticed) by calling them out on their shit and ridding your group of them. You’ll be a hero.
8. The Perfectionist
This queef is very similar to the overachiever, albeit much less likable because the perfectionist doesn’t actually do anything to solve the flaws in everything they see. They won’t hesitate to let you know about it though. Everything is always great, except (insert minute shortcoming here). They thoroughly enjoy brown nosing and pointing this out to superiors, who wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. Of course, it’s you that’s responsible at the end of the day, not them.
Use them: Doubt is the perfectionist’s ultimate bane. Doubt causes the perfectionist to hesitate. Enough doubt will paralyze them. Find a way to plant the seed of doubt in the perfectionists mind and he/she will be unable to make any sort of decision. Once that’s done, you will have the opportunity to step up and show your stuff like the boss you are.
Why can’t everyone just be as awesome as you?