I Was In An Abusive Relationship

Love is not enough, it never is. Respect, empathy, selflessness–without of course letting someone walk all over you–are all basic elements that make strong foundation to a successful relationship. Over the past (almost) year I have been in a dysfunctional relationship I never imagined myself being in.

To be honest, I am actually disappointed in myself that I let it go on for this long. I let someone that I love hurt me, walk all over me, and literally break my heart on a much too often basis. I forgave them time and time again because I was blinded, blinded by my emotions. Blinded by the hope I had in them and the lies they told me to give me faith.

I always wondered how women stayed in abusive relationships especially when it came to physical abuse and now I can somewhat understand why. I watched with disbelief as the person I love called me a bitch, a crybaby, and told me I was worthless. I wanted to fix him, to help him, because I cared and even though he was hurting me I thought it was the alcohol.

I thought things could be better. This relationship used to be better so why couldn’t it go back to the way it was? So, you try. You try to talk to them and they lure you back in with their manipulation, false compassion, and empty promises. The same things happen again and you try to talk to them, they turn it on you. They call you weak and after a while they don’t care what you have to say. After a while all you are to them is a repetitive cycle of complaints, all you are is “blah blah blah.” You cry in front of them because you lost the ability to hold the pain in every time they tear you in two. The time comes when they stare at you with compassionless eyes and ask “are you done yet?”

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You find yourself in dramatic scenes that you don’t want to be a part of.

One day you’re driving him to work and you’re crying but it’s no longer tears of sadness, it’s tears of rage. You can’t tell if you’re mad at yourself or him. You want to crash the car, but you don’t because you’re not that sad. You try to get off at the next exit and he jerks your steering wheel so you get thrown back into the lane. You’re scared because he’s stronger than you. You pretend to still drive to his work and at the last moment you slide into the exit lane and approach a light. You tell him to get out to walk because you never want to see him again. You stop the car and he doesn’t want to get out. You want to call the police. You’re crying so deep that it hurts. You try to get out of the car and as you open your door he flies over and slams it back in. He grabs you, pulls you in, and says that he’s trying to help you. You cry because you’ve been longing for an embrace and even though you hate him you sink into his arms. You awaken as he tells you that he’s trying to make you not weak and you scream, cry, and say that you don’t want this anymore. He says that he’s trying to help you and squeezes you tightly and you freeze because can’t believe that he thinks he’s helping. You realize you can’t help him. You can’t help someone that sees nothing wrong with them. You can’t help someone that is selfish beyond repair and legitimately believes money is the key to happiness. You can’t help a person that never puts you in their mind until they need something.

A person who finds your feelings an inconvenience to their time. A person that realizes your worth the moment your about to jump out of your car and race to the nearest pay phone to get away.

You realize that it’s impossible for this to last and it hurts more than the word hurt could possibly describe. It shatters you because you once – foolishly – imagined a long life with this person. You cry and ask the night sky why you’re being put through this. You try to walk away, but for some reason you can’t and you feel stupid. You’re ashamed. You see happy people, happy couples, happy families and it makes you wonder what went wrong.

It takes you a while, months, to realize that the person they introduced you to was a facade. After a while you realize that it no longer takes alcohol to get them out of control, to turn them into a hurtful monster. They tell you that you’re the problem, that you’re pathetic, and you go around wondering if you really are and what you can do, how you can change because even though this hurts you want it to work, but there’s nothing you can do. Nothing will ever satisfy someone so inherently cruel. Nothing can help a human being that watches the person they claim to love curl into a ball and disintegrate before their very eyes.

I’m not saying that we never had good times and that this person never made me smile, but the bad will always outweigh the good. I’m not saying I didn’t lash back and near the end said some cruel things that I regret saying. I’m not perfect, but the one thing I can say for sure is that I was actually sorry. It actually hurt me to hurt this person. That’s when I knew I was in too deep. Day by day they pushed me away and it took me this long but I’ve finally had enough. I’m finally free. I may be messed up for all eternity, but the one thing I know is that I am happier than I am sad and I think that’s a good thing. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Guilherme Yagui

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