Maybe I was wrong for falling. Maybe I was wrong for not stopping myself from doing so. Maybe I knew I wasn’t supposed to but I still did anyway. Maybe I was just stupid. Maybe I was just on my period and wanted someone to love. Maybe I just didn’t want to feel like a rock. Maybe I just got tired of not feeling anything.
Whatever the reason was, it does not change the fact that I fell. And that I shouldn’t have.
Fact #1: I knew from the start that I must not develop any feelings. MUST NOT.
I stood in front of the mirror and promised myself “You’re not falling for that guy, you’re not weakshit, you’re not doing that stupid thing.” The moment I first saw you from afar, I felt something inside me that wanted to punch myself for making that promise. But I thought, you know, maybe he just has looks and that’s not enough to make me fall completely. So I held my head up and convinced myself it’s going to be easy and that there’s nothing to worry about.
Fact #2: I was wrong.
That same night, you took me out for dinner and drinks. Unfortunately, you were more than just your looks. More than the perfect built and features, your sense of humor distracted me from trying not to fall. I’m pretty sure my brain was fighting me for not listening. But every word that was coming out of your mouth had my mind on mute. They weren’t just funny, they were all interesting and bright. You had clever theories about the weirdest things and you had admirable insights that made people think twice about what they believed in.
Fact #3: I fell completely.
Most importantly, I think what connected us the most was music. When you started talking about it, I was intrigued because I too am a musician. You were a pianist. I started learning how to play the piano when I was five. And the first time I heard you play, I knew in that moment I was letting go of the promise I had made. It was difficult to talk myself out of it in the midst of a perfect melody being played in the background by some perfect guy. I wished that I could keep every note I was hearing that night. We played for hours and just sang to our favorite songs while looking out and watching the city lights glow. For a brief moment I wanted the world to pause so I could catch up on my breathing and my feelings as well. By the time we ended, I knew that I have completely and entirely fallen in love with that night, the music and you. After that night, you gave me a dozen more reasons to love you. But I didn’t need more reasons for I was already deeply attached to the thought of you.
Fact #4: You didn’t feel the same way.
And it’s okay. For a couple of weeks, I went back to convincing myself that it’s going to be alright, that I don’t need to be liked back and that I’m alright. It took a lot of work to pat myself repeatedly at the back and at the same time to insist that I’m really fine. The fact that you weren’t feeling the same way didn’t change the way I felt about you. It didn’t change how that one night made me feel. To me, it was still the same magical night I had kept in my memory. But I knew, that in one way or another, I had to get over this feeling because I was sure that you’d never like me back. What I felt for you, what I chose to feel for you, you’d never choose to feel for me. So I had to force myself to detach.
Falling for you was a choice, a choice I didn’t even think twice about. I knew I wanted to, I knew I had every reason to, and I knew that you were worthy of being adored and loved in every way possible. All the maybe’s that I had were wrong.
I will never regret falling in love with you.
Although it was painful and difficult to get back on my feet, I’m still grateful for having experienced and survived the process.
Thank you for giving me all the reasons to love you. I might not have been strong enough to resist my emotions but I was able to listen solely to my heart when it wanted me to fall. Thank you for not loving me back. I learned how to pick myself up with a smile on my face despite a broken heart, grateful that I can still do so for myself and for the sake of loving again completely.