Nostalgic For You

Noël Alva

As I stand on top of the rugged cliffs edges and look to the horizon where the deep blue sea and the sky meet I can’t help but wonder what it would feel like or if I’d feel anything at all if I hurled my body onto the sharp boulders below. People have always told me I have a wild imagination and think too deeply but I always think about this every time I come up here. I’m not suicidal, but I always wonder what would be my last thoughts in that moment as my body falls through the air, plummeting rapidly. Would I think of him and his big brown eyes? Would my childhood come flashing back to me like I was watching a film? Would I see my dead parents faces calling for me to ‘come home’ to them? They died in a tragic plane crash last Spring. There were no survivors. Luckily I still have my brother. A strong gust of wind slightly knocks me forward and startles me, I step back collecting myself and head over to my bench where I can sit and watch the surfers ride the waves as I drink my coffee.

I come up to these cliffs quite often, it’s my safe place, where I come to think when I’m upset or just to watch the world go by. My boyfriend and I had broken up eight weeks ago and I can still feel the ungodly ache in my chest, it pulsates through my body. He was a handsome man, dark hair with this one curl that always fell over his forehead. He had those big brown eyes that sparkled in the sun, they reminded me of chestnuts and honey and a smile that made heat radiate off my body and got me all flustered every time I saw it. His lips were plump but soft like a peach. I loved him, god I loved him so much. He left me for a job interstate. He couldn’t do both, it was too much effort and too exhausting for him. I told him I’d move with him but he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “it’s a big ask for you to move with me, you have too much going on for you up here, a great job in marketing and a promising career in writing, your brother and friends live here, it would be too much for you to leave. The only thing I have here is you.” And at that moment, all my dreams and future plans we had together, walked out, along with the love of my life. I scoffed at the thought of that. Fuck him. I never even got a say in the matter.

As the sun starts to set over the horizon, I close my eyes and breath in, trying to shake the thoughts of him out of my mind. “Think, think of something else, anything else but him, I say to myself as I sit there, eyes still closed listening to the waves crashing along the shoreline and the hum in my ear from the breeze, trying so hard not to think of him, but I do, I always think of him, too much and too often, he’s distracting. I sit there and reminisce about the night of our five year anniversary.

We splashed out and got a swanky room in one of the 5-star hotels in the city. I was meeting him there after I had finished work. The room was dimly light, just a lamp was on in the corner of the room along with some scented candles on the nightstand. There were vases of five dozen long-stemmed roses placed around the room, one for each year we were together. He was sweet and romantic. I remember I could see out the window to an array of city and car lights. Rain was pouring down onto the slightly opened window sill. It was a typical Autumn night, always drizzling late at night but warm during the day. I was wearing a grey trench coat I had purchased during the week, it was an impulse buy, didn’t think I’d actually get around to wearing it. I was wearing only black lingerie underneath it when I walked into the room. I removed all my clothes in the lobby bathroom beforehand, I wanted to surprise him. I had taken the trench coat off and placed it over the chair that was adjacent to the window, and noticed there were two glasses and a bottle of French champagne on the table next to chair so I poured a glass, took a sip and moved to lay on the bed. The coolness of the Autumn air outside tickled my skin and made my nipples harden as I laid down on the soft mattress, my long, silky dark hair cascading around the dozen pillows as I sunk further into them.

I closed my eyes and smiled. I thought to myself how could I be so lucky. I could hear him turn off the shower in the bathroom, he was humming away like he always did in the shower. It made me giggle. He then emerged into the room naked, water was beading down his chest, the gleam of light from behind him and the light sheen of water on his skin made his muscles look well-defined. He ran his hand through his wet hair and gave me a cheeky, amused smirk, his eyes focused intensely on me. I could already feel the dampness in my lingerie, I was in a tangible level of anticipation and excitement. He neared the edge of the bed, his eyes lingering on all parts of my body, without saying a word, placing a hand gently on my ankle and sliding it up the back of my calf, where he leaned down to place a gentle kiss. He looked at my face as he ran his fingertips along my smooth leg. He kissed my knee, gently opening my legs and trailing kisses up my inner thigh as his hand caressed the other. I let my legs drop open effortlessly as he placed his lips on my new black lacy lingerie, teasing me, he always liked to tease me. He told me he loved what I wore, that I made a good choice but it wouldn’t last long on me. I ran my fingers through his hair, and he smiled up at me. His stumble from his face rubbed against my thigh and I can feel the warmth of his breath against my skin. He crawled up the bed slowly and hovered just above me, lowering his head towards my lips, he rammed his tongue down my throat for a passionate kiss that made me want to explode. He had that effect on me. I ran my fingers lightly over his arms and his chest, down his stomach, then wrapping my hand around him for a long, slow tug.

He ripped my underwear off, hurling it across the room without care, as he ran his hand over my body. I could vaguely hear the flickering of the candles, but little else, the city seemed a little too quiet or maybe I was just too entranced. His fingers penetrating into me led me to a state of euphoria – not yet orgasm, but rapture and relaxation. He couldn’t stand it any longer – my scent and my moaning. Kneeling on the bed, he pulled me by the waist toward himself with his strong arms, sliding my lower body onto his thick muscly thighs as I met him, slowly drawing it inside, my legs draped over his shoulders. He had one hand wrapped around my throat, the other in the slope of my back. He was precise and assertive and I could see the muscles clenching near his jaw with each thrust. Pleasure emanated throughout my body, drawing me closer to the eruption that I hoped would come soon, but then hoped it wouldn’t, because that moment felt so heavenly, I felt like I was on cloud nine, I didn’t want it to ever come to an end. But my pleasure continued to climb, my legs were quivering, both arms were out beside me as I latched onto the bed sheets trying to hold on, I could feel the electricity shooting through my veins, goosebumps forming on my skin, I let my body follow his rhythm, his domination and….

I open my eyes, a sudden cold breeze in the air has startled me, the kind that has a little sting as it hits the back of your neck and it’s almost as though you can feel someone behind you, the kind that makes your spine crawl. “So, what are you thinking about up here?” A familiar voice says from behind me. I fling myself around to face the person behind me slightly embarrassed over the thoughts that had entered my mind.

It’s him. He’s come back. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Always hopeless, sometimes romantic.

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