Maybe We Don’t Always Get The Goodbyes We Deserve

Absquatulate (v) is the act of leaving without saying goodbye.

Heartbreak. It’s a quiet, lonely feeling to fall apart because you’re the only one that can feel it. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out. Me, him, life and why the universe could be so cruel to rip you apart from your soulmate in an instant, like a hurricane, leaving every part of your being damaged and scattered. He was my home, his arms my bulletproof vest, my safe place when I was terrified of the world. I don’t feel like myself anymore – not after him. I don’t even look the same. My eyes are dark and hollowed and stained red. My lips don’t curve like the way they did when he made me laugh so much my stomach felt like it tied itself in knots trying to keep up. My hair doesn’t even sit the same, it’s dull, lifeless, much like the way I’m feeling. It’s like the night we ended, after I screamed and cried into my pillow clutching my chest in unbearable pain I fell asleep and someone came along and disassembled me, took my heart and soul, shook my brain around like it was a snow globe, tied knots with my nerves to numb me so I could no longer feel and then carelessly put me back together again, broken. I’m no longer wired the same now. The place where my heart used to thump so much love for him now pulsates a great aching sadness through every part of my body, I can feel it in my toes. The pain of losing someone I loved has finally crept into the cracks of my heart and made it a home, for how long I don’t know. The heartache has worn me down to my bones so much that when I breathe they creak, almost breaking. When I close my eyes all I can see is his big smile that could light up the night sky and his big brown eyes that remind me that coffee always tastes better when I was around him. And I don’t know what’s worse – to see him in my dreams or to think of him constantly whilst awake.

The day he left for his flight we didn’t say goodbye, it was always “see you soon”, because we didn’t know that was the last time we’d see each other, and you never do know when the last time is going to be the last time you see someone. You never expect it to be. You always think there will be more time, more moments, more love to keep giving. I hate planes now. Whenever I see one I always wish he was on it coming to see me. If I could have predicted the future I would have hugged him a little tighter, grabbed his face and kissed him a little longer and told him I loved him one more time.

I didn’t get the goodbye I wanted. But the truth is, in life we sometimes don’t get answers or closure or get to say goodbye to the people we love or in the way we hope. They just leave. Some with warning, some without. Some leave by slamming the door shut, locking the deadbolt and throwing away the key, all forms of communication lost, becoming strangers once again. Some may leave with the door wide open where the cool breeze hits your face and sends chills down your spine and that alone gives you the realization as they walk away that no matter how much distance there will be between you, no matter how much love gets lost along the way, you know deep down that soulmates will always end up together. You lose each other, go about your separate lives, only to find each other again when the moment is right. If someone is meant for you and the love was real they will return through that open door they didn’t close shut behind them and stay forever.

I hope he returns back on that plane one day. Since the day he left my life he hasn’t once for a second left my mind or heart. For all that he is, is all that I ever needed in this world. I just never got to tell him that when he left without saying “goodbye”…