your return fazes me
clouds my judgement with everything I know
i see you again—the first time since the last time I was able to call you mine
my heart stops.
i missed you.
i missed your soft, pure and infectious bright smile,
your curly, free spirited hair that explained your personality to the core
i missed your eyes and how they spoke the way mine do; deeply… but still not ready
catching your glance across the somber room
i feel it all rush back at once
all the heightened feelings and words you expressed to me over and over again
it all poured back into my jaded mind
i had to force my eyes to look elsewhere
anywhere else but right back at you
i couldn’t allow you to lock eyes with mine
our eyes would say it all—
our eyes said it all:
this isn’t what we wanted, it is what had to be done
but how have you been? i wondered
did you wonder how i was?
you made a joke or two when we finally said hi
i didn’t let myself feel your embrace
a reunion I had dreamed of since February
occurred at such a devastating place
your silence spoke volumes
why didn’t you text,i wondered, why didn’t you reach out in any way — was i the only one feeling this way?
fear creeped in—
but was quickly silenced;
your text tone played on my phone
my heart exploding with excitement
a ringtone i had wished to hear for far too long
a ringtone that instantly reassured me that you still care
as minuscule as it sounds, it was a lot for you
every form of communication is a big step for you
i want more—i always want more
what you have given me is never enough
because you have never allowed me to have all of you
and when you tried to, it felt as if it was out of fear of losing me more than out of being in love with me or being ready to commit
“why can’t you just be ready!?” i wanted to scream out to you
i wanted to shake you; what are you doing?
why are you allowing me to move on?
how are you so much better at holding in your feelings than I am?
how come you can’t show it just a little? i remember thinking
yet that all changed the night you came over —