Sometimes You Have To Destroy Yourself In Order To Find Yourself

Woman in overexposed light holidng a circle mirror
Drew Patrick Miller / Unsplash

I once knew a girl who had blue eyes and long brown hair. She used to smile at everything. Run around barefoot with no worries. She was gentle and loved flowers and fairy tales. Her favorite place was the garden and her favorite thing to do was talk to the flowers.

But, as time flew by, she slowly disappeared. The girl I once knew grew into a girl that hid behind sly smiles and told lies. She became cold and distant, a person no one knew. She stayed this way for a while, breaking away more and more each day. It was like watching a rock weather away. Bit by bit she crumbled away, building a wall to protect herself. I watched her lose touch with her reality. It wasn’t the fact that we had nothing in common anymore that hurt the most. Rather it was that I knew she was in pain and that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Then one day, years later, I found myself sitting in an unfamiliar grey room with her. We sat in silence but I could hear everything she didn’t say as if they were screams. It was a cold hospital room. I wondered when I’d meet that girl with the blue eyes and long brown hair again. Two years went by before I saw her again. She looked good and she said she felt good. She still had those blue eyes and long brown hair, but she was taller and looked healthier. But the change seemed more than that. She had hope in her eyes that day I saw her.

I saw her again today, and although we only smiled for a few moments, it felt amazing. I loved how the scars on her legs reflected my battle wounds. I loved how her eyes still reflected the hope I have. I loved how her tall, thin frame reflected the beauty I am. I loved how when she spoke her words didn’t quiver because every word I spoke was clear. I loved how the girl I once knew and lost along the way, had found herself again and finally realized her reflection was perfect, because I finally found myself.

It wasn’t in books nor in other people. It was in the destruction of myself and the building of the new. It was in my new favorite place, around loved ones and my favorite kinds of people. I found myself at war with myself, and, at war with myself, I found myself. TC mark

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